Author: SCG

If you learn these powerful Stoic principles NOTHING will affect you ever again!

Stoicism certainly changed my life for the better and made me more of a resilient person, so hopefully it can do the same for you too!

In this video, I’ll dive straight into three key Stoic principles that will change your life forever:

How controlling what you can and accepting what you can’t brings you peace!

What does it mean to love your fate, and how can it transform your perspective?

How can negative visualization prepare you for the worst and make you appreciate the present?

Perhaps you are extremely overwhelmed with everything in your life right now.

Perhaps other difficult and toxic people are pushing you to your limit, and you are now at breaking point.

Perhaps nothing you try to do is working or improving things, and you are all out of ideas.

By simply embracing these amazingly powerful Stoic principles, you can become truly unshakeable and unaffected by nothing and nobody!

Plus, I have all the insights and real-life examples to back it all up!

These powerful and personal transformations can be applied to anybody from anywhere.

Even if you are currently facing major challenges in your life and have completely given up and lost faith in your ability to deal with your problems, these principles will help you!

And be sure to stick around to the end, as I will be revealing the most important principle of them all: Memento Mori!

Trust me, you don’t want to miss this one!

Let’s get started on why Stoicism can be a game-changer for your resilience so that NOTHING will ever affect you ever again!

Control What You Can, Accept What You Can’t!

Discover how mastering this principle can free you from unnecessary worries and stress.

The Dichotomy of Control is a fundamental Stoic principle that emphasizes focusing on what is within our control (our thoughts, actions, and reactions) and accepting what is not (external events and other people’s actions).

This mindset reduces frustration and increases peace of mind, helping people navigate life’s challenges with greater composure.

I used to be a massive control freak, where I would need to constantly have control over everything and everybody in my life, it’s also why I am an entrepreneur too.

However, once I learnt this important Stoic principle, I learnt to let go more, and accept things far better, which had the following impact on me:

I Reduced My Levels of Anxiety!

It’s been scientifically proven that when we focus on what we can control over what we cannot, it does reduce levels of stress and anxiety.

When my father was dying in hospital alone in April 2020, we were going through a lockdown in the UK at the start of the pandemic at the time.

I obviously had no control, despite how badly and desperately I wanted and needed it to help him.

But I learnt that his recovery, his fate was out of my control eventually, and that I had to remain strong for myself, my mother and my younger brother.

I had to make peace with the fact that it was out of my hands whether he was going to make it home or not.

Sadly, and eventually, he died, but we all did whatever we could even at arm’s length through phone calls, speaking to the doctors and hospital to try help in his recovery, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Following his death, I continue to focus on what is in my control, so I never find myself overly stressed and anxious, which improved the quality of my sleep and life overall too.

I Made Better Decisions!

I am a naturally very assertive and decisive man, in all areas of my life from running my busineses and even my personal relationships too.

Concentrating on my actions and reactions enabled me to make clearer, more thoughtful decisions without being swayed by outside influences.

Trust me, in the day and age of social media, all it takes is one video, one post, one person to completely change your perspective on life, money, religion, anything!

I used to believe I could control my fate as a desperate and single lonely man better by controlling how I approached online dating etc.

It was a waste of time, because there is no way I could attract a healthy girlfriend and relationship being once again, an enormous control freak and very set in my ways.

By simply realising things were out of my control, and instead being far more patient and selective, especially with online dating, I hit the jackpot, and met a woman who is the love of my life.

Before I used to make emotional decisions, the wrong decisions, which resulted in time wasted, dating the wrong women and even experiencing the most toxic of relationships too.

But by letting go again, and focusing on putting my best self forward, and taking time in making the right decision and choices, my romantic life changed for the better!

Lastly, I Strengthened My Self-Control!

By focusing on my own logical, and rational thoughts and actions, I built stronger self-discipline, and became likely to be affected by external temptations or distractions.

For 14 years, I suffered from a terrible gambling addiction, where I was hooked on gambling in casinos, betting shops, and especially online.

I had convinced myself that gambling was a hobby, a way to make money, and casinos were a fantastic place to socialise and have fun.

The longer I stayed addicted, the more money I bet, the more I lost, the more my mental health suffered too.

But again, it was all about control once more, me genuinely believing that I could somehow beat the house and become rich and successful through gambling!

Gambling was a big fat lie, and once educating myself with how casinos worked, and how I was basically fighting a losing battle, something switched inside of me mentally.

I said to myself “You are never going to beat the house, no strategy will ever work, all you will do is lose. You have no control over this!”

I have remained clean and sober since 2019, and my life has dramatically and drastically changed since.

But that Stoic principle saved me, especially financially, recognizing and realizing I had absolutely no control, no matter how much casinos and the gambling industry tried to make me seem like I did.

So that’s the Stoic principle of Control What You Can, Accept What You Can’t out of the way, next let us discuss “Amor Fati” aka “The Love of Fate!”

Amor Fati: The Love of Your Fate!

This principle is about learning to embrace everything that happens to you, good or bad, and transform your perspective on life.

Amor Fati is about embracing and loving one’s fate, accepting every event as necessary and beneficial for our personal growth.

This principle encourages resilience by promoting a positive and proactive attitude towards life’s adversities, enabling you to find meaning and strength in every situation.

This can be very challenging at first, especially if you are a bit of a control freak like me, however once we love and embrace our fate, which is not decided by us, but a higher power, we start to let go of the things that cause us stress, anxiousness, and us to overthink.

Amor Fati Made Me Embrace Challenges!

By loving your fate, you see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks, making you more resilient and less affected by difficulties.

A fantastic and real-world example of this has been my experience with trying to grow my YouTube channel THE SCG SHOW completely from scratch and completely on my own.

Yes, I am the writer, editor, researcher, director, producer of all my content, I do absolutely everything.

However, for the last year, I have had the lowest amount of growth, subscribers and views and it has really taken a toll on my mental health.

I have had so many low moments as I desperately try to grow to 100k subscribers and more, that I have been on the verge of giving up.

I would regularly throw a massive pity party and complain to my girlfriend: “I am doomed to fail, it is never going to work out with my channel, I might as well give up!”

But every single time I have convinced myself to give up, I wake up the next day with a brand-new perspective.

I believe stubbornly this channel is my fate, and despite the harsh conditions and the many setbacks and unpredictability of it all, it’s about pushing through those challenges and loving my fate.

If it is my true destiny to grow to a larger audience and beyond, then so be it.

However, if for whatever reason that does not work out, at the same time, I will love the journey along the way, of creating content, connecting with people worldwide, and helping them as well.

These past four years have been so hard; however, I still believe my channel and brand is one of the greatest achievements of my life so far.

By simply seeing the challenges in front of me, such as the lack of growth, not many views etc, I decided to create new content in a new way, and spend more time on designing my video artwork, my scripts and so on.

Within weeks of these drastic and dramatic changes, for the first time in ages, my channel bounced back and started growing once again, when close friends and family had told me to “close the channel down.”

Now, I see those challenges as a chance to level up, to try harder, work harder, and smarter too, because by finally doing so, I have managed to turn a dead YouTube channel around into a brand-new direction overall.

I’ve Let Go of Regret!

Amor Fati teaches you to see the past as something to be accepted and learned from, rather than something to regret, helping you move forward without being weighed down by past events.

For many months after my father passed away, I had survivors’ guilt, meaning I felt responsible for his death.

I was the only one who called for an ambulance when he fell violently ill at home and was struggling to breathe.

I asked for his consent first, he agreed, and I remember seeing him be taken off to the local hospital with paramedics, but little did I know that would be the final time too.

Had I not called the ambulance, maybe through the course of the night he would have summoned the strength to feel better?

Or maybe he would have died in bed at home, making things 100x worse in that circumstance.

Either way, there was not much I could do at the time, my hands were tied, and I did the only logical thing I could, which was get him to hospital.

The reason I finally let this go, because as tragic and heartbreaking as it is, regrettably it was my fathers time and fate that he was to leave us behind in 2020.

My father was old school, a traditional and good man, and if we think about how much the world and society has changed since he has passed, it’s unrecognizable.

He died in a different world and life, and as he looks down in paradise, he experiences more peace than most people living today.

Amor Fati made me realise that even if was somewhat responsible in his fate, that I did the best I could to save him and help him, and I know that he would be proud for stepping up the way I did – but the lesson I learnt in all this is be willing to step up and give everything, even if the odds are against you, or its far too late.

Lastly, I Became a Better Problem Solver!

Back in 2019, in a real estate business I run and own, tenants I had at the time destroyed my property, making me project manage a full renovation and decoration on my own, which cost a fortune too!

It was a real setback for me, extremely stressful, and at the time I had never experienced anything like that before, basically I was unlucky.

However, coincidentally in the Summer of 2024, lo and behold history repeated itself, but not to the same extent fortunately.

Some rogue agents did works on my property and had tenants who made it extremely tired looking and dirty.

Once I finally got the keys back and the tenants had moved to other accommodation, I almost had to pinch myself at how five years later again, I had to project manage the property all on my own to get it back on the market with a new professional tenant etc.

I rolled up my sleeves and said to myself: “I have been here before, I know what this entails, and I will get to work!”

It was my fate for my property to be in that condition again, and with a personal deadline of only four weeks, I knocked walls down with builders, decorated and cleaned the entire house!

I knew exactly what to do, how to handle it, and how to make sure I hit my deadline of four weeks.

It was an incredible turnaround, which involved me being very hands on, driving there and back several times a day, and paying a lot in labour and materials.

But it was my fate, I needed to do this, and do it in the way I did it because it made the property more valuable, and attracted an excellent professional tenant who now lives there and is extremely happy too.

I’ve always naturally been a great problem solver, but Amor Fati aka loving my fate made me have more confidence in my decision making, thinking on my toes, and giving the right instructions to the people working with me etc.

What was so stressful, tiring and uncertain, turned out to be an excellent project completely managed and executed by myself.

Finally, I will dive into the most interesting of the Stoic principles, something that may be seen as very controversial as well: Negative visualization!

Negative Visualization: Preparing for the Worst!

The Stoic principle of negative visualisation is how imagining the worst can prepare you for anything and enhance your appreciation of life.

Law of attraction content creators insist that the more positive we think and feel, the more likely we will be to manifest more positive results in our lives.

I certainly agree with that, however, the Stoics are not eternal optimists, they are realists, and our real lives are not like Aladdin where a Genie is there to make all the bad stuff go away with a single wish.

Negative visualisation is controversial for sure, because we are giving into our doomsday scenarios in our minds and letting them control us, however logically it makes perfect sense.

Once I started rationally adopting negative visualisation I began not being as affected as I was previously by other people and external matters in the following ways:

I Reduced My Fear of Loss!

By imagining the worst-case scenarios, I mentally prepare myself for potential losses, making me less fearful and more accepting if they actually happen.

With my YouTube channel THE SCG SHOW, I mentally prepared myself for it never taking off and me losing the opportunity to continue working on it full time.

I started evaluating a PLAN B aka an alternative to working on my brand, and as much as it hurt and as depressing it was to do so, it made logical sense.

A business, project or brand is like your own child of your imagination’s creation, and I was willing to let it go for the sake of my mental health and future career!

I said to myself: “the worst-case scenario is you stop uploading on it and start a new project and business, yes you cannot get your time invested back or money, but you are a better person since starting work on it!”

I was no longer afraid to lose it, and realised you cannot flog a dead horse forever, eventually something is going to give.

However!

By doing this negative visualisation, something extraordinary happened, after 11 long months of slow growth and no progress, my channel started picking up again!

Things worked out in my favour in the end for actually giving in and visualising the worse that can happen with my channel!

Try picturing the worse case scenario and you might realise what you are afraid of losing might not be so bad to let go of after all.

I Became Less Shocked and Surprised!

When you’ve already considered negative outcomes, you’re less likely to be shocked or caught off guard by unexpected events, allowing you to respond more calmly.

A fantastic example of this is when I had toxic family members cause stress and drama towards me just around the time my father had passed away.

Not only was I dealing with isolating alone in a lockdown, but trying to run my businesses and grieving the tragic loss of my dad.

But these individuals started causing chaos, arguments and so much anxiety and stress to me and my immediate family.

Being a so-called expert in toxic people and relationships, I recognized the signs of narcissists etc, so I decided to go no contact and keep my distance entirely from these individuals.

Long story short, as the years passed since, these people behaved worse and worse not just to my immediate family, and other people as well, which has resulted in them being completely outcast from family functions like weddings, any form of contact, and or socialising.

Every time I would receive a phone call or update of how they have hurt people, done something disrespectful, or created unnecessary drama, I wouldn’t be shocked, because if someone would sink so low to cause such pain to a grieving family, then there is no limit to their behaviour at all.

With my calmness, towards these people I have never done or said anything I regretted, nor lost my head etc, I have simply kept my distance, walked away and distanced myself entirely, resulting in many others in the family to do so as well.

The less emotionally reactive you are through negative visualisation because you have seen the truth of how toxic people are etc, or what the logical scenario will be, the better you are for it for picking up the pieces, moving on with your life, and getting over.

I Lowered My Expectation!

Negative visualization helps you manage your expectations, so you’re less likely to be disappointed if things don’t go as hoped.

When I was last hopelessly single, I used to get very triggered by the toxic shame close friends and family put upon me.

Saying things like: “You are too old to be single, you may never find another girlfriend. I cannot believe you think finding love in your circumstances is a risk worth taking. Best get used to being the only one without a partner at weddings etc.”

Again, this might sound crazy, but once I stopped getting so upset by such hurtful comments and visualising what they said to me, it changed something in me.

It made me realise that you can never be old to be single.

That statistically it was impossible to never find another girlfriend.

That people find partners and love in all situations and circumstances.

A week or so later after that visualization of living alone in a bachelor’s pad with just my games consoles and my sneaker collection, I matched with a woman who changed my life forever.

Now I am in a serious relationship which I see a future with, that excites me.

I stepped out of being single and into something special, by initially picturing a life alone forever with no love.

I knew that being alone never going to happen for me because I wanted to improve myself, step outside of my comfort zone and taking risks which paid off handsomely.

But my expectations were like so: “I am going to put myself out there and be openminded rather than seeking perfection and chasing something that doesn’t exist.”

Not only did I attract a stunning partner who is my best friend, but I am the happiest and most in love I have ever been in my life too.

So, as you can tell from these personal examples here, negative visualisation actually not only had those benefits on my perspective, but also actually made things work out in my life for the better too!

BUT HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STOIC PRINCIPLE OF THEM ALL!

Memento Mori!

Memento Mori is the most important Stoic principle because it reminds us that life is temporary and that we will all face death one day.

This understanding can change the way we live our lives completely, and especially to be unaffected by anyone or anything too.

When we accept our mortality, we realize how precious time is and how important it is to make the most of each moment.

Instead of getting caught up in small worries or letting other people’s actions affect us, we can focus on what truly matters.

By remembering that life is short, we learn to prioritize our values, relationships, and experiences, making us more resilient in the face of challenges.

Ultimately, Memento Mori encourages us to let go of things we cannot control.

When we understand that everything we know and love can be taken away, we stop clinging to superficial concerns and start appreciating the present.

This perspective helps us maintain our inner peace, regardless of external circumstances.

By facing the reality of our mortality, we can develop a stronger sense of purpose and clarity in our lives, making it easier to accept hardships and be unaffected by negativity.

In this way, Memento Mori serves as a powerful reminder to embrace life fully, to live with intention, and to focus on what you can control before it’s too late!

Get set for an eye-opening journey as we unveil the secrets that turn an average Joe into an unstoppable powerhouse!

There are indeed certain things that will make any man dangerous in his life, and some of these things might shock and surprise you!

In July 2020, me and my family buried my late father, who tragically died a few months earlier at the very start of the pandemic.

His health rapidly deteriorated, I could not say goodbye to him, and what was worse, was due to a huge backlog of deaths at the time, it took months to have his funeral.

Whenever I return to his grave at the cemetery, I do not recognise the man I used to be before he died, nor the world we lived in for that matter.

So much changes when you go through tragedy, grief, in also such a drastic way as well, aka one moment he was alive and well, the next moment the world shutdown, we were locked indoors, he got sick, and then he died.

Originally, I took a lot of solace in one of my favourite comic book characters Batman, just after my father died, and read a lot of graphic novels, and rewatched movies, shows of his darkest moments.

Batman’s origin story is rooted in tragedy, and witnessing his parents’ murder as a child leaves him with deep emotional scars.

His journey to becoming Batman is driven by a desire to avenge their deaths and protect Gotham from experiencing similar trauma.

This darkness within him can be seen as dangerous, as it fuels his relentless pursuit of justice, sometimes blurring the lines between heroism and obsession.

Overall, Batman’s character is dangerous on a metaphorical level because he embodies the darker aspects of human nature, including trauma, fear, and moral ambiguity.

However, it is precisely these qualities that make him such a compelling and enduring character in popular culture, hence why I found some form of connection to the character in my time of grief.

But as I now stand by my father’s graveside alone, contemplating why he was taken from us so soon, what could have been done differently as well, am I suddenly going to be dressing up as a giant bat and fighting crime to avenge him?

Sadly not.

Instead, I know that I am far more dangerous a man than I ever was before, due to the principles and things I have learnt following his passing.

They say that the remote working culture was always planned in society, but the pandemic brought it forward a decade.

Well, my loss and grief brought me to becoming a far more dangerous man than I ever imagined at such an accelerated speed too.

But what really is a dangerous man?

In a world where men are far more influenced by other people, society, the government, toxic relationships, and toxic partners especially, it’s rare to see anybody stand up for themselves, go their own way, do their own thing, and most importantly, not be easily manipulated.

When I was in a relationship in the past with a narcissist, I was certainly not a dangerous man at all, yet my partner certainly was.

They held me back in my life, made me regress mentally, emotionally, and spiritually into far less a man than I would ever have imagined previously.

Why? – Because I gave up my control, doubted myself, and allowed an immature and toxic partner to get into my psyche and make me more submissive, confused, and weak.

The dangerous man would not tolerate such treatment, behaviour, or influence over himself, instead he would lay down the boundaries by being assertive and confident, and if he was never going to get that he would do the only thing that would save his life and future…

And that is walk away – which is what I eventually did, despite many years of begging, pleading, and trying to get a narcissist to have a healthy relationship with me.

That as well as my father’s tragic death was also a massive part of my own awakening to becoming a far more dangerous man.

Society, and certain people in my life told me: “You have made a mistake walking away…You might never meet a woman to date ever again…You should have stayed and made it work!”

What nonsense!

But the reason why they said those things is because they would be too afraid to walk away and stand up for themselves in their own predicaments.

“You have made a mistake walking away…”

Walking away was never a mistake for me, and was easily one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

“You might never meet a woman to date ever again…”

My beautiful new girlfriend of 2 years is about to move in with me, and I have never been more content, in love and happier in a relationship since.

“You should have stayed and made it work!”

So basically, I should have flogged a dead horse, and continue to try impress and make it work with the wrong person?

You will NEVER be good enough for the WRONG person by the way!

The point here is choosing to walk away from a narcissist, and face a single period where the world suffered a pandemic and my father tragically died made me a far more dangerous man.

Compared to who I was before, that’s definitely true.

I was a weaker, more insecure, and spineless man before…

The Opposite of a Dangerous Man

Of course, the opposite of a dangerous man, is a weak, submissive, beta male, who is desperately insecure, seeks validation from the wrong people and for the wrong reasons as well.

When I first entered my toxic relationship years ago with a narcissist, I was unsure of who I was, what my values were, what my core principles were as well.

I just assumed, based on my culture and again societal expectations that I just had to be in a serious relationship, with the eventual goal of settling down, having children etc.

There was never any real deep meaning behind it, it was completely superficial, and I went against my better judgment at the time forcing a very toxic relationship.

It was so bad and unhealthy, that I ended up arguing a few dates in with the narcissist, which became a very regular and common occurrence in the relationship moving forward.

The number of times I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed of the way I was treated in that relationship, never made me dangerous, it made me feel and appear pathetic.

Once more, the longer I stayed, the more triggered I became emotionally, which would involve me losing my temper regularly, screaming and shouting, and just flying off the handle at the new drama and disappointment the narcissist brought to my life and relationship too.

It was draining…

I gained a tonne of weight from the stress…

I lost touch with a lot of friends and family…

I was never the same as I was before that relationship, I had become more emotional, more reactive, more sensitive, and just a weaker man overall.

Just to make this abundantly clear, a dangerous man is NOT a violent man, an aggressive man, a man who shouts, swears at the top of his lungs etc.

A dangerous man exudes confidence, knows where he is going in his life, what he wants out of it, and is in control more so of himself and responds over reacts.

It took me 37 years to recognize this truth.

And the things that can make any man dangerous.

Just because a man is over six feet tall, is ripped to shreds and has muscles, does not mean he is dangerous…

Just because a man is short, has a slight belly, and wears glasses does not mean he is NOT dangerous either…

The motivation behind becoming dangerous, which once again ANY MAN from ANYWHERE can become is to become BETTER.

Being and staying weak is not an option.

And is also a slippery slope into more adversity, more pain, more suffering, and more disappointment as a whole…Here are the things that will make ANY man dangerous should he choose to take that path in life….

Inspiration and Influence

Men who possess the ability to inspire and influence others can wield significant power, and this power can be both beneficial and dangerous.

Take Andrew Tate, a former kickboxing world champion turned somewhat motivational speaker, for example.

With his charisma and assertive demeanour, Tate has amassed a considerable following, particularly among young men seeking guidance in areas like self-improvement and masculinity.

However, some critics argue that Tate’s messages can be toxic, promoting aggressive behaviour and a narrow view of success.

But by captivating his audience with his words and persona, Tate has the potential to shape their beliefs and actions, which could lead to negative consequences if those beliefs are misguided or harmful.

Similarly, Dr Jordan Peterson, a renowned psychologist and author, has garnered widespread attention for his lectures and writings on topics like psychology, philosophy, and personal responsibility.

Peterson’s ability to articulate complex ideas in a relatable manner has earned him a dedicated following, particularly among young adults grappling with issues of identity and purpose.

While many find inspiration and guidance in Peterson’s teachings, others caution against the potential dangers of his influence, citing concerns about his views on gender and social hierarchy.

Like Tate, Peterson’s influence stems from his ability to connect with his audience on a deep level, but this influence also carries the risk of shaping beliefs and behaviours in ways that may not always be beneficial or ethical.

Whether you love or hate Andrew Tate or Jordan Peterson is irrelevant.

It’s the notion that they both have influence on men, people, and society as a whole, and thanks to social media that has skyrocketed their reach astronomically.

Back in 2014 you would have had absolutely no idea who these men were.

As of present day, both are not only huge on social media, but even are selling out shows, being broadcasted on the news, and are having documentaries made about them.

In fact, Dr Peterson is now a best-selling author, with millions of copies of his books being sold every single year.

Now of course Peterson and Tate to some are seen as very controversial figures, for their beliefs and certain takes on politics, culture, society, dating, women etc.

But regardless, their influence is undeniable.

It doesn’t have to be just them two, think of David Goggins, Jocko Willink, your favourite streamer or speaker on Twitch, they all have influence which makes them dangerous.

Yours truly aka me, am in that category too.

Now whilst I have nowhere near the reach and influence of Tate or Dr Peterson, these past few years I have built up an audience, a following through my personal brand, especially on YouTube.

And one of the most profound lessons and messages I have encouraged for and to my viewers and readers is about the power of walking away.

I have successfully encouraged more breakups, and eventual breakthroughs for people than most by insisting they walk away from the wrong people, situations, relationships etc.

Let me reveal to you a personal email from an anonymous subscriber:

“If I had never had come across your YouTube channel, truthfully, I would still have remained in my toxic relationship.

Whenever I sought for advice online, I was always finding the same generic content, the same advice, and so on.

It just led me around in circles, with my anxiety crippling me and stressing me out so much that I just wanted an answer.

That is when I found your videos, and the simple advice “you will never be good enough for the wrong person,” which really hit home with me.

My life has changed dramatically, I walked away, and then I moved on, and I honestly have never felt this confident and happy at all!

More people should know the power of walking away, and I will happily share and endorse your content as it had such a positive and profound effect on me and my future!”

Please do not assume I am sharing this email to brag or show off, but to instead highlight the importance and power of influence.

I was like many people who reach out to me, lost, confused, and desperate for guidance and advice on what step to take with their relationship issues.

I had to get out, but nobody at the time had the guts or confidence to say that.

In fact, one man, who is certainly the opposite of dangerous encouraged me to stay, and said to me:

“You are too old to be single, it’s too big of a risk as well, so if I were you, I would firmly stay in that relationship.”

This particular man who gave me such bad advice has a miserable relationship, an awful career, and lives a sad life.

Where not only his partner, but his family, friends, and society dictate how he should conduct himself, how he should think, act etc.

Why should I listen to a person like that?

Why should I be influenced by such a person?

The dangerous man is influential, but also not just online.

He could have no social media presence at all, but the way he carries himself, his aura, his demeanour, can inspire any other man to be better in his life.

Articulation

The man who can articulate himself well in dialogue and communication can be seen as extremely dangerous.

Imagine you are playing a game where words are your weapons.

A man who is great at articulating and communicating well is like a skilled swordsman in this battle of words.

He can use his words to persuade, manipulate, or influence others, almost like he is gifted with a silver tongue.

Just like a sharp sword can be dangerous in the hands of a skilled warrior, the power of words in the hands of someone who can articulate well can be equally potent.

He can sway opinions, win arguments, and even gain advantages in various situations.

So, being good with words is not just about sounding smart; it is about wielding a powerful tool that can help you achieve your goals.

Here are two excellent examples:

Martin Luther King Jr. was a powerful orator who used his exceptional communication skills to lead the civil rights movement in the United States.

His speeches, such as the iconic “I Have a Dream,” were instrumental in mobilizing people and bringing about significant social change.

King’s ability to articulate his vision for equality and justice inspired millions and continues to influence generations.

On the other hand, Adolf Hitler was also a masterful communicator, but he used his skills for malevolent purposes.

Through his persuasive speeches and propaganda, Hitler was able to manipulate the masses and rise to power in Nazi Germany.

His ability to articulate a message of hate and intolerance led to catastrophic consequences, including the Holocaust and World War II.

Both examples illustrate how the power of articulation and communication can be wielded for either positive or negative purposes, depending on the intentions and character of the man himself.

That is the power of a man who knows how to articulate his point, and not just communicate to one person, but to the masses.

He can either inspire social change for generations changing the course of history.

Or he can brainwash people to head into war, genocide, once again changing the entire course of history and the world.

Now I am not saying you need to become the next Martin Luther King Jr, and certainly not the next Hitler…But learning how to speak and convey your point, will make you far more powerful and dangerous to your advantage….

The Gift of the Gab

I don’t know where and how I got the gift to be able to speak, communicate and be articulate, considering I am a 2x college dropout as well, but I am not complaining.

A few years back, when I was looking at starting a new business, all I wanted to do was write, and help people.

I had just come off writing my first novel, and wanted to continue doing so.

I write how I talk, where I just let the words flow completely out of me effortlessly and as easily as possible.

And through my writing, comes scripts for my YouTube videos which have amassed over 4,000,000 views total on my channel.

I convey my point, my message, my voice through writing, then narrating aka speaking in my content aka my blog posts and videos.

A person cannot be influential without being able to directly communicate a point which will resonate with people.

And one point and rather sensitive topic that resonates with lots of people is how the average joe can go on to do and achieve great things in their lives.

When I walked away from my toxic relationship, most people older and even the same age of me wrote me off, and told me I would never be able to move on.

One guy in particular looked at me, shook his head and said “I am sorry, but your ship has sailed in regards to finding love…”

As I write this, sat opposite me as I work is my gorgeous girlfriend, who lives with me, and is somebody I see a future with.

I did it, I moved on, healthily, correctly, in the right way, and with the right person.

My message is always so clear “If I can do it, anybody can!”

But it came after doing a lot of hard work, self-reflection, healing, and recovery too.

I did not just wake up one day and finally love myself, rebuild my confidence overnight and go on to find the right relationship.

That made me dangerous, because I went against what the masses at the time told me would be my future and destiny.

And now I use my platforms aka my channel and blog to convey my advice across to other people who were or are in the exact same position.

Who have been told to aim low in life.

Who have been written off entirely.

Who have been criticized for standing up for themselves.

I am no great speaker, I am just a guy who speaks his own truth, and only ever discusses things I have been through, experienced myself, and what can actually help others.

The man who can speak, and speak well, is very dangerous.

Risk Takers

The man who takes risks in his life, and the more calculated risks as well, is likely to become a very dangerous man indeed.

Elon Musk, the CEO of SpaceX, and Tesla, is known for his bold and ambitious ventures.

He’s not afraid to take risks, whether it’s launching rockets into space with SpaceX or revolutionizing the automotive industry with electric cars at Tesla.

Musk’s willingness to push the boundaries and pursue groundbreaking innovations has led to significant advancements in technology and space exploration.

But also, taking reckless, crazy, and outrageous risks can backfire massively too…

Jordan Belfort aka “The Wolf of Wall Street,” was a risk-taker in the world of finance, but his actions led to disastrous consequences.

He engaged in unethical and illegal behaviour, including securities fraud and money laundering, as part of his brokerage firm’s activities.

Jordan Belfort’s willingness to take extreme risks and bend the rules ultimately resulted in his downfall, leading to legal troubles, financial ruin, and imprisonment.

While Belfort’s story may have been glamorous on the surface, with lavish parties and extravagant wealth, it serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of unchecked risk-taking and the importance of ethical conduct in business.

His actions not only harmed himself but also had far-reaching negative impacts on his clients, employees, and the financial industry.

There was a time where men were so inspired by the movie of “The Wolf of Wall Street,” that they too would do just about anything to be like Jordan Belfort, and become filthy stinking rich almost overnight.

A young man named Thomas loved the movie so much, that he went down a dark path and took huge risks as a result.

He started scamming people in events, where he would sell tickets much higher than what they were advertised for.

He caught the bug, as he would go home with a huge load of cash in a rucksack, and not have any consequences for it.

Within months he bought himself a Rolex.

Then he bought himself an old Porsche.

And every so often he would hop on a plane for a lavish vacation.

But then, he finally got caught and was done for fraud, with an enormous debt hanging over his head.

He ruined his credit score, his family were worried sick, and is still paying off his loans and debts till this very day…. he was dangerous in the WRONG sense!

The Right Type of Risk

I have always been an advocator of calculated risks in life, because I believe that when done so with the right patience and perseverance it certainly can pay huge dividends in the long run.

The following again are some real-world examples of men who did this and became so dangerous to the masses as a result.

Warren Buffett:

Warren Buffett is widely regarded as one of the most successful investors in history.

Throughout his career, he has taken calculated risks by investing in undervalued companies with strong fundamentals.

His willingness to stick to his investment principles and take advantage of opportunities when others were fearful has led to significant long-term gains for himself and his investors.

Steve Jobs:

Steve Jobs took calculated risks throughout his career as the co-founder of Apple Inc.

One notable example is the development and launch of the iPhone in 2007.

At the time, smartphones were not yet mainstream, and many doubted the success of Apple’s venture into the market.

However, Jobs’s vision and confidence in the product paid off immensely, revolutionizing the mobile industry and making Apple one of the most valuable companies in the world.

Jeff Bezos:

Jeff Bezos took a calculated risk when he founded Amazon.com in 1994 as an online bookstore.

Despite facing scepticism and challenges in the early days of e-commerce, Bezos believed in the potential of the internet to transform retail.

His bold vision and willingness to invest heavily in infrastructure and innovation have paid off spectacularly, with Amazon evolving into one of the largest and most successful companies globally.

Whilst I am certainly no Jeff Bezos or Warren Buffett, here are some calculated risks I took recently in my life to become more dangerous:

I took the calculated risk of losing friends I had made to become and remain clean and sober from a gambling addiction.

I took the calculated risk of walking away from a 4-year relationship to become single and alone during a pandemic and lockdown to find a better and more compatible relationship.

I took the calculated risk of becoming self-employed over a decade ago, which has paid off dividends since for me professionally and financially.

I took the calculated risk of starting my personal brand, with the goal to build a business that inspires and helps people globally.

Being a calculated risk taker will make any man dangerous.

Bravery and Courage

A man that is brave and has courage, can be extremely dangerous to his benefit once again, and certainly those around him too.

Being brave can make a man dangerous in a positive way because it allows him to confront challenges head-on, take risks, and stand up for what they believe in, often inspiring others to do the same.

Here is why being brave can be positively dangerous, along with some famous examples:

Brave men often emerge as leaders because they’re willing to take risks and make tough decisions.

Their fearlessness can inspire others to follow them into uncertain situations.

An example is Winston Churchill, who demonstrated immense bravery during World War II, rallying the British people against Nazi aggression.

“Never, never, never give up.” – Winston Churchill.

Reed Hastings the co-founder and CEO of Netflix has demonstrated bravery in revolutionizing the entertainment industry.

Hastings took a bold gamble by transitioning Netflix from a DVD rental service to a streaming giant, fundamentally changing how people consume media.

His willingness to embrace disruptive innovation has made Netflix a global powerhouse.

“Taking smart risks can be very gratifying.” – Reed Hastings.

As the co-founder and CEO of Airbnb, Brian Chesky has displayed bravery in disrupting the hospitality industry and redefining the concept of travel accommodations.

Despite facing regulatory challenges and backlash from traditional hoteliers, Chesky has led Airbnb to become a global phenomenon.

“Never assume you cannot do something. Push yourself to redefine the boundaries.” – Brian Chesky.

David Goggins is a great example of bravery, resilience, and determination.

Despite facing adversity in his upbringing, including poverty and abuse, Goggins refused to succumb to victimhood, and instead, he embraced discomfort as a catalyst for growth and transformation.

As a retired Navy SEAL and ultra-endurance athlete, he pushed himself to unimaginable limits, breaking records and completing gruelling challenges with unparalleled mental fortitude.

Goggins’ story, chronicled in his bestselling memoir “Can’t Hurt Me,” serves as an inspiration to countless individuals worldwide, demonstrating the power of perseverance and the capacity to defy the odds through unwavering determination.

“From the time you take your first breath, you become eligible to die. You also become eligible to find your greatness and become the one warrior.” – David Goggins

My Journey to Bravery

Dr Sigmund Freund said “you become a man when your father dies,” and I totally agree with that hypothesis.

When my father fell violently sick and very rapidly, I was the one who had to make the emergency call for an ambulance to come and collect him and take him to hospital.

This was bear in mind right at the start of the pandemic, where we had to wait hours for him to be collected by an ambulance.

Then I had to wait everyday for an update on his predicament, via phone call, which I would then relay the message onto close friends and family.

This happened for a few weeks, once a day, again in the height of the pandemic, locked down, scared and terrified of what the next day might bring.

Then there was the day I found out his condition was getting worse, and that he was not going to make it, and I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.

My father was going to die, and nothing was ever going to change that.

I had to stay strong, I had to remain positive and look after myself, and I will never forget going to bed that night knowing tragedy was coming the following morning.

On top of that, due to a backlog of deaths at the time, the earliest we could hold a respectful funeral for him was three months later.

Knowing a funeral is three months away, and it’s your fathers, I cannot begin to tell you how heartbreaking it was.

But I got through it, I had to be strong, and when his funeral finally came around, I carried his coffin, travelled to the funeral there and back alone, and just collapsed in bed with emotional exhaustion at the end of the day.

He was gone, in a harsh cruel way.

And I was never going to be the same following those events too.

It bothered me for years how I was the one who originally sent him to hospital, as he struggled to breathe, sat on the edge of his bed right at the start…

How I could not go into the hospital to say goodbye and thank him for being the best dad a son could ask for…

How I had to wait 90 days to have closure, and the looming dread of his upcoming funeral giving me and my family such anxiety…

But we got through it, we soldiered on, and it made me a braver man than I ever thought I was before previously.

It made me a dangerous man in a positive way however, because I often ask myself the following question:

“If I can endure all that, and still be standing here tall, I can handle almost anything!”

Conclusion

In conclusion, the four things that make any man dangerous in a positive light, have nothing to do with building muscle in the gym…

Or learning how to fight by practicing martial arts…

Or being covered in tattoos or piercings to appear intimidating…

Or wearing leather jackets, sunglasses and driving a motorbike…

It’s about learning to inspire and influence other men, to become better, carry themselves in a far better light too.

It’s about learning to communicate and articulate your point well, and especially your ideas, beliefs, thoughts, and selling yourself to your benefit too.

Its about being a calculated and smart risk taker, and realising that life is ever expanding, and that staying still and stagnant is NOT beneficial or advantageous.

Its about becoming braver, and the older we become as men, the more courageous we must become too.

Violence, shouting, swearing, and flying off the handle is certainly NOT the answer, and does not make a man more dangerous, more so reckless, and immature.

To be positively dangerous, is to be brave enough to change yourself as a man, and then inspire to change the world too.

The Attachment Theory seems to be getting a lot of coverage online recently, and I will be diving deeper into exactly what it is, and how it can affect your life – and ultimately how you can manage your attachment in an easier more effective way!

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory is like a big hug of understanding that explains how we connect to the people closest to us, especially our caregivers when we’re babies.

Imagine a cozy blanket of love and trust that we wrap around ourselves with our caregivers.

This theory suggests that the kind of love and care we get as babies shapes how we see relationships later in life.

If we get lots of love and care, we tend to feel safe and secure in our relationships.

But if we don’t get enough love and care, we might feel worried or unsure in relationships.

So, it’s like a roadmap of how we learn to love and trust others based on how we’re treated when we’re small.

Did you know also there are FOUR different attachment styles?

Secure Attachment:

People with secure attachment styles feel comfortable getting close to others and depending on them.

They trust their caregivers and feel confident in their relationships.

Anxious Attachment:

Individuals with this style often worry that their caregivers will reject or abandon them.

They may feel insecure in relationships and seek constant reassurance from their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:

Those with an avoidant attachment style may avoid getting too close to others and might feel uncomfortable with intimacy.

They may prioritize independence and self-reliance over emotional connection.

Disorganized Attachment:

This attachment style is a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours.

Individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving experiences, leading to confusion and difficulty forming stable relationships.

You can have an attachment style which combines two in one, for example you can be an “anxious-avoidant.”

For example, you can be scared and be distant with your feelings towards a partner and relationship at the same time.

Which more often than not causes a few issues for both partners…

Example of a Secure Attachment

A real example of a relationship with secure attachment is there is full unwavering trust by both partners.

There are little to no insecurities, no anxiety, no stress, no emotional outbursts and or arguments that spiral out of control.

Instead, both partners love and trust one another, share the same goals, and work together as a team moving in the right direction in life.

Imagine a row boat, and both in sync the partners row at the same pace down a river, with a beaming smile on their face.

Sometimes these people may NOT have had secure upbringings, however with the right person, attitude, and approach, they can still manifest a secure relationship.

Example of an Anxious Attachment

A real example of a relationship with an anxious attachment there is doubt, fear and genuine terror underneath the surface.

And the real terror is the fear of abandonment, that at any moment, any stage, and any time, one partner might cheat, or just leave and never return.

A close friend of mine married a woman who was not right for him, and ignored all the red flags from the start – very foolishly.

Long story short, he is now raising three children alone as a single father, as his now ex-wife had an affair and just left the country, her family and everybody behind, with no desire to ever return.

Throughout the relationship he was insecure, afraid, scared and unsure what was going to happen next – but he had every right to do so in this instance because he married an extremely toxic woman.

I have been guilty of having a very anxious attachment style, and that has come mainly just like my friend who got cheated on by surrounding myself with the wrong people, putting my trust in the wrong people as well, and being betrayed, abandoned a lot too.

I will touch on this more in greater detail a bit later on…

Example of an Avoidant Attachment

A real example of a relationship with an avoidant attachment is where one or both partners avoid intimacy, communication, affection and more.

Things never get deep, things never get too emotional, there is and always will be a constant barrier between both partners.

Whenever things need to be discussed or emotions need to be shown, they are either swept under the carpet or avoided entirely.

The avoidant attachment is often seen as a very cold and distant one, when really it is a very frightened and scared individual trying to protect themselves from getting hurt.

So how does attachment theory affect your life?

Back to Your Childhood

A great analogy of attachment theory back in childhood is how your parents and or caregivers addressed your emotions.

Let’s say you are around 10 years of age, and you are upset about something, and you want to reach out to your parents for guidance and help.

You cannot sleep as your mind is racing, so you go downstairs to your father for example who is watching late night television and trying to mind his own business.

“Dad,” you say with tears in your eyes, “I cannot sleep, I am really upset!”

Your avoidant father who is cold and distant completely ignores and dismisses your mental health and cry for help.

So you return to bed even worse, more alone, as a young child trying to process intense and complex emotions, which exhaust you entirely, until eventually you go to sleep.

Suddenly it has become default for you to recognise that whenever your emotions are getting the better of you, or that you are crying out for help, that nobody is going to want to listen to you.

Nor help you.

Nor guide you.

Nor soothe you.

Nor comfort you.

You are on your own, which gives birth to your attachment style moving forward, and therefore whenever you feel any emotion or even see it in anybody else, you mirror exactly what you experienced as a child.

You become the avoidant father.

You become cold and dismissive.

You don’t acknowledge anybody or listen.

You even ridicule and make fun of it.

And if you were to potentially become a parent, without realizing it, you will be sat on that sofa and have your child reach out for help, only to cause more suffering to them too.

It’s a vicious cycle and one that has gone on for generations, and still does.

In my culture and family, this is very prevalent, especially whenever tragedy or immense loss has happened, such as my father tragically passing away.

And avoidant people insisting and telling me “Stop crying” or “that’s life.”

They are not nasty people as such, it’s just their attachment style, and sadly most people have no idea how it affects their lives.

An anxious attachment style dramatically affected my life, many times over.

Let me reveal how that was the case…

Part One

It was only thanks to my girlfriend that I discovered what attachment theory even was, and that I was certainly an anxious avoidant type.

Researching this content, I took some time to really reflect on my past, and see where and how my attachment style had impacted my life.

The following is some REAL-LIFE examples of how it affected my life:

Reassurance:

Even in my current relationship and especially at the early stages, I was in desperate need of reassurance from my partner.

I would ask “Do you like me? Why do you like me? Are you sure you like me?”

It was exhausting for her, but bless her she gave me the benefit of the doubt and realised that I was just extremely anxious.

But back in my single days whenever I would meet a woman and things were potentially escalating between us, I would constantly ask for reassurance.

I would ask “Are you attracted to me? Are you definitely going to text me back? If we go on a date, please make sure not to stand me up?”

I got rejected a great deal due to an anxious attachment, but I am thankful I did, because it eventually led me to the best partner and relationship today.

Based on my experience, an anxious attachment style really made dating and even having a relationship extremely difficult.

Fear of Abandonment:

I used to be constantly on edge and terrified that at any given moment a partner, a friend and even family members would reject me or abandon me.

This was all based on experiences in my childhood and early 20s….

Where friends would uninvite me to birthday parties for no reason but to be cruel.

Or associating with people who were flakes, and would just not turn up or cancel at the very last moment, leaving me high and dry.

Then the many times in dating where women would suddenly just ghost for no reason, stand me up, or just reject me despite insisting things were going well between us.

Even in 2020, during the lockdown in the pandemic, blood relative family members caused drama, lied, and even hurt me and my immediate family for no reason.

I am still working on this fear of abandonment…

The answer is people are unreliable in general, and in these past few years, based on my experiences, stories I have heard and learnt, it seems to be getting much worse.

I don’t trust most people, truthfully…

But those I do, I have worked on trusting even more, and keeping that small circle and group to an absolute minimum…

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

I was born and raised in my family to be predominately a people pleaser; it was just how my parents raised me how to be.

They would insist variations of the following to me:

“Don’t cause a fuss or problem to anybody!”

“Keep your mouth shut, you might insult somebody!”

“Let them do what they want, just accept it!”

“You NEED to be liked by everybody!”

“You need to make a good impression always!”

“Make sure you put other people first!”

Unsurprisingly and once again whether they be friends or family, and especially in past relationships, the wrong people took advantage of me.

They walked all over me, did whatever they wanted, spoke down to me to my face and behind my back, and like a lap dog I would come running at their beck and call.

It was painful, it was humiliating, and it was demoralizing.

The worse of them all was me persisting in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic woman who was selfish, rude, entitled and extremely immature.

“Treat me like a princess,” she insisted, which I begrudgingly did for several years longer than I should have done.

All because below the surface I had an anxious attachment style, which kept me trapped in a toxic relationship, trying to get my emotional needs met with a narcissist.

That relationship ruined my life at the time and had the real serious potential to completely ruin my entire future too, that’s how dangerous attachment styles and theories that are not properly addressed can be!

Dependency On Others

Remember my family raised me and insisted that I “Make sure you put other people first!”

Well, this caused an overdependence on others for validation and support.

There was a time where I genuinely put my entire self-worth onto my friends, my family and even strangers online.

I would look at my social media accounts, and believe “the more followers I have, the more respected and loved I am too.”

I would believe I was not smart enough to solve my own issues and problems, assuming “I must reach out to somebody else who on the surface has their life together.”

This was ALL because of my anxious attachment.

Basically, assuming and believing I was never good enough for other people, and they knew better and what was best for me – which most of the time they never did.

Next will be part two of how my anxious attachment affected my life…

Part Two

So far, I have shared quite a great deal about how my anxious attachment has affected my life up until this point, and there is plenty more for me to discuss!

Relationships Over Goals

My anxious attachment made me prioritize relationships over personal and even professional goals to my detriment.

As I mentioned already, in the past I had a toxic relationship with a narcissistic woman.

At the time of us meeting, I had business problems with a company I had started and built up completely from scratch as well.

When we had met, I was a regular gym goer, I was a healthy eater, I dieted regularly as well.

But it all flew right out of the window when I met the narcissist.

Firstly, she distracted me on a regular basis, causing massive fights and arguments for no reason – on reflection it was attention mainly.

Due to her lack of employment, and me being my own boss, and fuelled by my anxious attachment, I wasted time on the phone arguing with an idiot.

When I should have been planning and strategizing my business.

When I should have been creating an exit plan for when it went under.

When I should have been working on my personal brand THE SCG SHOW.

Then like a virus, the stress, and frustration she caused transferred to my personal goals.

I started going to the gym less and less.

I stopped watching what I was eating as well.

I put on a lot of weight, ruined my sleep, and became addicted to coffee.

The man I looked like after finally walking away from that miserable relationship compared to who I was at the beginning was chalk and cheese.

I put my relationship over my goals!

I still worked on my goals to a degree, but the moment my ex-partner would kick up a fuss or cause a scene, I would drop everything I was doing and give her my undivided attention.

It was ridiculous!

It was immature!

But it was all driven by my anxious attachment, where I would be constantly worried that something was going to go wrong with us, she would leave me, I would leave her, the relationship would end, and I’d be single again.

Which with all the other problems I had in my life at the time was something I was simply not prepared to endure – aka becoming single.

My goals should have always taken priority on reflection, especially when I was dealing with a narcissist!

Engaging in Self-Sabotaging Behaviours

My anxious attachment lost me a lot of money, caused more stress and anxiety, pain and suffering financially than anything else, and you want to know why?

Because I was a gambling addict already, and thanks to my toxic relationship it spiralled out of control and got even worse.

Before gambling was something I would indulge in from time to time, aka I would go to a casino with friends, bet online sporadically, and I never went beyond my means, or dug into savings or bet big.

However, when I had my business problems, and was spiralling with my diet etc, not to mention having to deal with a narcissistic partner – that’s when gambling got ugly for me.

Where I would regularly go to casinos on my own.

Or I would bet online all hours into the morning losing sleep.

Or I would go into betting shops on my way home from the office, or on my lunch breaks.

It got to the ugly and difficult stage where I was gambling every single day, no matter where I was or what I was doing.

I just couldn’t get enough, and I will never forget one particular afternoon, where I was up quite a lot of money in a casino.

But it wasn’t enough for me, that’s the ugly side of the addiction, and within the space of an hour, I lost all the money I had made.

Which then resulted in me chasing losses for 8 hours with no food, no water, and certainly no bathroom break.

Was that healthy?

Was that fun?

Was that worth it?

The self-sabotage was all routed deep in my anxious attachment, where I was in a toxic relationship which brought me no joy, and made me suffer.

And due to the emotional rollercoaster, that was that partner and relationship, I found some strange comfort and solace in gambling.

Which only very obviously contributed to the stress and anxiety I was already feeling.

On top of that also I felt that I was really in a bad place financially, and gambling only made things 100x worse!

Some people find comfort in overeating…

Or in smoking…

Or drinking alcohol or taking drugs…

But they are doing so because an attachment style is affecting their life, and the anxious one did that to me.

Part Three

I know it might seem quite doom and gloom so far how my anxious attachment affected my life up until this point, but in my content, I make it my goal to share the truth, cold hard facts, and sprinkle in some harsh realism as well.

Nevertheless, here are the some more ways an anxious attachment affected my life….

Feelings of Loneliness and Isolation

My anxious attachment affected my life by experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Remember that anecdote about the avoidant father who has no time to talk to their emotionally wounded child?

Well, that is how I felt in a relationship with the wrong person!

On the final evening, we saw each other, I had just finished a massive project which was costly, time-consuming, stressful, and so draining.

I sat opposite my toxic girlfriend, who could not have cared less about my mental health, and chose to waffle on about herself, superficial topics and was just disinterested.

We were eating dinner, and I stared off into space, drained and demoralized from the massive project that had worn me out for quite some time.

And I felt so alone.

Alone that I couldn’t talk about the impact the project had on my mental health, nor how I was feeling, because I choose to anxiously attach myself to the wrong person.

Who was never going to meet my needs.

Who was never going to listen to me.

Who was never going to pay attention to me.

The most dangerous person you will ever meet or spend time with in your entire life is the person who does not care.

I also have had many feelings of isolation, in particular with the wrong friends I associated with in my 20s.

Friends who looked down on me and were extremely elitist.

Friends who drip fed me information, and only included me on certain things.

Friends who would flake on me for something or somebody better.

Leading me at many stages turning up to venues, events, booking trips and being isolated, alone because the flake and unreliable friend and person never bothered to show up.

It was humiliating.

It was degrading.

It was the people I associated with, and I assumed were close friends.

Even family members treated me like this as well.

Difficulty Expressing Emotions Openly

My anxious attachment made it extremely difficult for me at times to express my emotions in a healthy manner, or openly.

In the past I surrounded myself with a lot of emotionally unavailable people, who would describe any vulnerability or sensitivity as “weakness.”

With that, I became somewhat of a robotic person, where I would hide how I really felt, push through painful emotions to appear more stoic and stronger than I really was.

A great and awful example was on the day of my father’s funeral, which was socially distanced during the pandemic.

I was told by friends and family to “remain strong and to not cry as you might upset others.”

Remember, I was raised to be a people pleaser, so I sat there numb in the church staring at his coffin, almost like he was a stranger.

But I was raging inside, torn up inside, completely, and utterly broken inside too.

Greater Susceptibility to Experiencing Jealousy and Possessiveness

With an anxious attachment style, any possibility of love, connection and even friendship appears a rare commodity.

So therefore, I would latch onto people and hope and pray that they would never let me go, or walk away from me.

This encouraged narcissism in other people, because they thought and knew that they could take advantage of me for one reason above all else:

“That I was genuinely afraid to lose them forever!”

So I would almost come across in a needy manner, and I did this with friends.

I would be jealous when they would be socialising with others and I was not included.

I would be overly protective again because I didn’t want to lose them to anybody else.

This was to FRIENDS remember, and even family members too.

I prided myself in never being jealous in most of my life, however with my anxious attachment style, it spiralled a great deal the moment I got close to friends and people in general in the past.

Before I continue, I just want to say without self-awareness, there is no way possible I would be able to reflect on my anxious attachment.

However, it made a lot of sense to me in my choices and actions.

How I conducted myself.

How I thought about things.

And especially the people I gravitated to.

But as an older and hopefully much wiser person, I can see now why I did what I did, said what I did, and how I conducted myself as well most of the time.

Lastly, I will be revealing the final ways my anxious attachment affected my life.

Part Four

The following are the final ways to my recollection that my anxious attachment style affected my life overall…

Overinvestment in Relationships Early On

When I was single and ultimately desperate for a girlfriend, I used to pray I would finally meet the right woman for me and have a relationship.

There were plenty of lonely and miserable nights, days, weeks and months where I would be isolated just waiting to find that right compatible woman.

And when I would eventually find somebody, or there would be any potential for a relationship, I would jump headfirst and want to accelerate things as quickly as possible.

I was desperate for the commitment.

I was desperate for the title of a relationship.

I was desperate for the love to return my end.

All because I had an anxious attachment style, and even with my current girlfriend who is the love of my life, I did the same with her, who very rightly put the brakes on things, took time to get to know me more, live with me, love me etc.

She was fully aware that I possessed an anxious attachment style, and with that she purposely made us grow as people, and as a couple, rather than rush in full steam ahead!

Thank goodness I met somebody like her, who had the maturity and understanding to see I was anxiously attached and wore my heart on my sleeve for too long.

But also, by rushing in the way I did in the past, it led me to rushing into a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

At the early stages, a narcissist will gaslight and encourage a honeymoon phase between themselves and their victims – until the mask eventually slips.

So, like a fool when I met the narcissist I was dating, and assumed she was a normal person who was interested in a serious relationship – I dived headfirst!

I went on dates as quick as possible!

I wanted to become boyfriend and girlfriend ASAP!

I wanted one or both of us to say we loved each other!

Sure enough after she finally got her claws into me, and there was nowhere else to go is where her true toxic form appeared.

Then I was trapped.

Trapped by my own doing.

Remember I rushed things, I escalated things, I wanted the relationship, the love, the commitment quickly.

All because of one glaring and obvious truth…

That I had an anxious attachment style…

Difficulty Coping with Periods of Separation

My anxious attachment meant there was a real difficulty coping with periods of separation from loved ones, which led to heightened distress or anxiety.

The strangest and worst feeling was when somebody either a friend, family member or even a romantic partner would go on a trip or vacation abroad.

It started as a youngster, I would dread my parents going on vacation, and the build up of their trips would lead to such stress and anxiety.

I would say to myself “How am I going to cope or survive without my parents?”

Even as an adult, whenever my parents would travel abroad, I would still suffer from that same anxiety and pain.

Then it would happen with friends, let’s say I would talk to my friends a couple of times a week on the phone and hang out in person if and whenever we could.

Then suddenly, I would find out they have a vacation coming up.

I would get extremely anxious with that buildup.

My mind would race as well.

I would say the following anxious thoughts to myself:

“What am I going to do when my friends are away?”

“Who will I talk to on the phone, or socialise with?”

“What if we lose touch after they come back?”

“I just want their trip out of the way as soon as possible!”

Truthfully, only until very recently did I still suffer from this anxiety, where I would link people going and living their lives with abandonment!

Difficulty Moving on From Unresolved Feelings

My anxious attachment made it extremely difficult for me to move on from unresolved feelings, conflicts, and disagreements.

For example, I had a huge falling out with family back in 2020, around the time of my father’s tragic death.

Whilst I have moved on the best I can, I still get extremely triggered and upset whenever I hear their names in conversation, drive past where they live, or hear what they have been up to as well.

The reason I find it difficult moving on is because truthfully, they have not been confronted by me, and it’s all just been ignored and avoided entirely.

But deep down, my anxious attachment is on edge, worried these people will somehow resurface and cause more drama and suffering…

Despite being out of my life for almost 3 years total!

No contact for 3 years as well!

That is the serious ramifications and reality of an anxious attachment style…

Conclusion

In conclusion, it is safe to say that my anxious attachment style has most certainly had an adverse effect on my life especially in the past.

However, thanks to my partner, self-awareness, therapy and so much more personal growth I am working harder towards a secure attachment.

The only reason why I have changed so much and have become more secure as well, is because I am with the right person.

Somebody who has seen an enormous personal transformation since we began dating, and one that is still changing and evolving for the better overtime.

However, with the wrong people and partners especially nothing will ever be good enough for them.

Hence why you will constantly and consistently be anxious or avoidant.

Work hard on yourself for sure, but find somebody who will accept you for who you are, faults and all.

Somebody who is willing to grow with you, not make you grow against them and vice versa.

Attachment theory is popular because it explains a lot about our past traumas, who we choose to date etc.

But don’t make it the be all and end all aka you have finally figured out something that has plagued you or caused you more distress up until this point.

The reality is you are human, a complex and very unique special creature.

Life is not linear or straightforward, its unpredictable and complicated.

Know yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, and attach yourself to healthy and genuine people who want the best for you.

And watch how secure your attachment will become!