In the video above I go into detail of the fundamental differences between a narcissist and a sociopath.
If you found this video helpful please share it!
In the video above I go into detail of the fundamental differences between a narcissist and a sociopath.
If you found this video helpful please share it!
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but walking away from you will heal me.”
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse from friends, family and ex-girlfriends over the years, I believe I have a vast amount of experience when it comes to dealing with these toxic individuals.
What we must remember is we are interacting with a different type of “animal,” these people are NOT normal.
Reasoning, talking things through, applying logic is a complete utter waste of time, and energy.
I would also not entertain the idea of going to a therapist with these people.
Most therapists are sadly not well versed in the subject or spectrum of narcissism, so they often take sides with the more vulnerable partner.
And that may make you the culprit, as the narcissist can play the victim very well, they are actors don’t forget.
So whilst you think you are getting some progress made, you will more likely end up coming home from therapy revaluating your life because the therapist has believed a bunch of bullshit laid out to them by your narcissist.
So save your time, I have learnt far more off YouTube and through many amazing books and blogs about the very subject.
Ultimately I am going to list several ways and phrases you can use to disarm these people.
Remember we are not here trying to seek out revenge, although I am sure you want to or deserve to.
But we must look at the bigger picture – ultimately you have been in contact with a narcissist in your life for far too long.
You’ve tried everything, you are at the end of your tether.
In fact, you have run out of ideas or ways to resolve the situation.
So what do you do?
How do you fix things?
Before we go into the practical steps to take you must understand that these people are toxic and somewhat dangerous to your peace and progress.
If you ever want to have a peaceful and truly meaningful happy life, it is very important to take responsibility for your actions.
Therefore anybody you entertain in your personal space at all, will have a humongous say on how your life pans out.
If I was still with ex- narcissists girlfriends I would have stagnated, failed and been nowhere.
If I still socialized with narcissist friends I would be riddled with insecurities, feel awful about myself and again going nowhere.
Fortunately I am a very ambitious, very self-assured person now.
I have also increased my standards and infiltrated healthy boundaries.
Those who are in and around my life know what I find acceptable and unacceptable.
Narcissists if you learn all the lessons and grow along the way will teach you that.
However if you don’t you will find yourself sadly in a spiralling mess, playing the victim and questioning your reality.
On top of that you will just attracting more and more toxic people and bemoan your existence along the way.
So take responsibility for your actions.
People are replaceable.
Your happiness MUST come first.
By putting up healthy boundaries you will not encourage toxic people to destroy your life.
Let us begin in how to disarm a narcissist:
#1 – Stop feeding the ego.
Narcissist’s fuel is supply.
And supply comes from attention.
Sadly that attention can be positive or negative.
Therefore just you being present to their madness and crazy ways will in fact give them the fuel they need to feed their ego.
A Narcissist will tell you that “you are looking at other girls/guys and you don’t find me attractive.”
This is the type of usual crap they come out with, to which you reply with “no of course I am not you are gorgeous to me, you know that, I wouldn’t do that.”
What is this doing?
It is manipulation in its purest form.
They have manipulated you to question your reality and feel guilty for something that you never even did.
I am pretty sure you were not checking anybody else out.
However, as a result, they get a compliment out of it, as well as devaluing you at the same time.
The solution is don’t fall for it.
If they accuse you of stuff that makes no sense, or try to argue for no reason – do not feed the ego.
Do not engage in it, do not entertain it.
#2 – Say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
You cannot please the unpleasable.
Narcissists are unpleasable, they are never satisfied and no different to adult spoilt children.
Therefore like the ego, don’t be surprised that they are unimpressed or annoyed by something you do.
It could be anything, it could be absolutely nothing but they will find a way to cause an argument.
But by responding with “I’m sorry you feel that way,” there is nothing they can say to that.
You cannot apply logic, reasoning or any type of normal healthy communication.
These are messed up idiots who only want to make you feel crap.
So let them stew at the fact they are annoyed at something about you, and don’t feel guilty about it.
It is their problem, let them deal with it.
#3 – Do NOT take responsibility for their emotions
Narcissists throw temper tantrums.
Similar to a spoilt brat not allowed to get the toy they are after.
This is called narcissistic rage.
But the problem is, because you are closest to them, they believe and have such little respect for you that they can say or do anything they want to you.
This is called projection.
Newsflash you are not somebodies punching bag, and nobody has a right to abuse you just because they had a bad day or are insecure.
Let them sort their own emotions out, they are adults.
You are not there to take on their crap, and guess what you cannot fix it?
Because you cannot please the unpleasable.
Make sure you remember this, it is vital.
#4 – Do NOT accept their wrong perception of you
Similar to I’m sorry you feel that way, narcissists are manipulators, liars and cheaters especially of the truth.
They are so wrapped up in their own bullshit that they will try to convince the world that they are right, and everybody is wrong.
Unfortunately they use dirty manipulative tactics in doing so.
And they can often succeed.
However that is where you need to stand up for yourself.
If they call you a cheat, and you are not one that isn’t you.
If they call you abusive, when THEY are abusing you, again it is not you.
Only you know who you are and what you can do or what your limits are.
So therefore do not accept what they say about you to be true.
It is a lie, and sadly in case you did not know the narcissist’s entire life is a big fat lie.
#5 – Do NOT sink to their level
Narcissists believe the rules do not apply to them.
Their ego and inflated view of themselves believes they can do or be whatever they want.
They are some of the biggest fools on the planet.
I am not a goody two shoes, but at the end of the day I respect that there are rules in place, such as the law.
A narcissist will break the law, if it meant they can get their way.
They will steal, cheat, lie, be violent, swear, shout, cause a scene.
They will happily embarrass you in public.
What do you do?
Do NOT sink to their level.
They will play dirty, and rough, but remember you are better than that.
Those who argue with a fool, from a distance look like one too.
#6 – No reasoning
I can tell you with over 3 decades of experience there is NO reasoning with a narcissist.
You will never get the time back you wasted arguing, talking and talking and going round in circles.
It is better to spend your life on good things and good people.
If someone cannot be reasoned with, do not waste your time.
Which leads me to the final point.
#7 – Walk away and go no contact
Narcissists lose in the end, and the one thing they are almost guaranteed to lose is a good person.
That is most likely you.
But once you truly cannot take it anymore, you have to seriously walk away, and not look back.
And NO contact means NO contact.
That means blocking and deleting them off everywhere.
Look at the above and remind yourself all the drama and crap you have been through.
If there is no reasoning with them, why bother to entertain them at all?
Walk away, stay away and learn about what has happened, so you can therefore never let such awful people into your life again.
“Silence is golden.”
The easiest and most effective manner to deal with any toxic individual is to go no contact.
Speaking from many years of personal experiences mostly bad with toxic people and narcissists you need to understand one fundamental thing;
YOU WON’T WIN.
That’s it, you won’t beat them at their own game.
You won’t win an argument.
You won’t win them over with logic.
You won’t ever convince them to be good.
You are fighting a losing battle, and because of that why even take part?
Never argue with a fool, because from a distance you cannot tell who is who.
This is the same with these people, and you must do what their parents never did;
Instil discipline and proper boundaries.
Toxic people do not care about you, they do not really love you, and they always inevitably bring a wave of destruction and chaos into your life.
If you are not careful and you allow the mind games to begin, the toxicity and poison will spread.
There are so many things they bring into your life without you knowing;
Think back to a spoilt brat that was never told no.
They have it in their minds as they become adults that they can literally get away with murder.
So what happens?
They become entitled, rude and toxic individuals.
All because mom and dad bought them whatever they wanted the second they started to throw a tantrum.
So they honestly believe for some weird reason the world owes them something.
Hence why they are entitled.
If you happen to unfortunately be in a romantic relationship with a toxic or narcissistic person it is the same story.
You tread on eggshells, most likely get cheated on, abused, manipulated and so much more.
Is it worth it?
What can you do about it?
Well, let me try go into more detail here.
You may be the smartest, wisest and calmest individual person in the world.
But if you allow a toxic person to be in your personal life, what is going to happen?
You are drinking from the poison chalice, and suddenly you will crack.
Bad luck will occur, your focus will dither, and you will start seeing more drama than ever before.
But arrogantly even if you KNOW what they like and you KNOW what is going on, you think you are qualified to deal with such people.
Let me make one thing clear – not even trained therapists can handle narcissists or toxic people well.
So what makes you think you can?
Do you think having endless conversations on how their bad behaviour should not be tolerated will change anything?
Do you think getting others involved in a group therapy will let them see the light?
I remember doing a bloody PowerPoint presentation to a narcissist ex on everything she was doing wrong, it took me hours to write and present.
Did she change?
I get it, people rarely change after the age of 18, and why should they?
If they have convinced themselves they are perfect and if those around them (flying monkeys and their awful parents), keep reinforcing their bad behaviour then who are you to tell them otherwise?
They point behind everything I am trying to tell you here is YOU CAN’T WIN.
They will never emphasize with how you feel, or what you are trying to say.
Nothing is ever good enough for these people, and your naivety and lack of real world knowledge gave them the benefit of the doubt to where you are now desperately searching on the internet for the answer.
The answer is simple, yet hard to implement for most people;
GO NO CONTACT.
I understand that is hard to read, but you have no other option.
I would not advice talking it out, they are not listening.
I would advise against therapy, as they will make YOU out to be the bad guy.
The only solution with any toxic or narcissistic person is no contact, and the reason why it works is because you are cutting off the supply.
Picture yourself as the parent, they are the child.
They run around causing havoc on you and all around you, and there you are cleaning up after their mess.
But their parents most likely stuck around, and threw more money and attention at the problem.
One ex I had told me to my face “I was spoilt as a kid, my parents were soft.”
What a fool I was thinking being disciplined and hard moral that I could actually change this person into thinking like a good healthy person.
I got badly burnt, so many times.
They see you as supply, attention, they thrive off it.
Long as you cry, shout, scream, react in any manner even in a calm way they will carry on bringing more drama and chaos into your life.
It is inevitable, you must understand there are horrible people in this world, and you are more than likely dealing with one right now.
So you must cut off the supply.
This means of course if it a relationship, friendship, family member you are now going no contact.
And no contact MEANS no contact.
This is the end, have a funeral for it, bury it and move on.
You will NOT receive any change, despite doing this and you must be strong.
Everything must go, social media, their telephone numbers, all reminders everything.
You have been poisoned by their toxicity and it is time to become a healthy individual again.
Do not use will power to fight your urge to talk to them, but instead re-read everything I have written to reinforce WHY this is happening.
There are toxic and narcissistic people in this world, and unfortunately you have met one or just realized somebody is not right for you.
You are better making friends with people that want the best for you.
Stick to it, and in time you will attract with the right healing and knowledge of what has happened to you better people.
I went no contact with THREE Narcissists in one year, and as a result my life has completely changed for the better.
You will be better off, and use me as your example.
I swear to you, it is the only way to see some change for the better in your life, especially if you feel exhausted because you’ve tried everything else OR are considering doing so.
Life is too damn short for drama and toxic people.
Start thriving, not just surviving.
“Social media to the narcissist is like honey to a bee.”
Narcissists are so addicted to social media it is actually quite disgusting.
They often choose where to go and who to be with, just to they can get the perfect shot.
I knew once one particularly awful Narcissist who said they had to go out despite being ill and risk getting worse just so he could make his 5000 odd followers feel “jealous.”
Give me a break, and on top of this now Meghan and Harry user their Instagram account to promote the account Global Positive news, a website dedicated to reporting just positive news articles.
Are you serious?
This is what they wrote; “for the month of February we are pleased to follow @globalpositivenews which focuses on the acts of kindness and uplifting stories of community across the globe.”
Ironically the couple have been hit by a wave of negative responses to their post;
“You are being very obvious trying to make money with that title…drop the ROYAL now!”
Another wrote “as a Canadian I am furious you move to Canada and expect Canadians and the UK to pay your security.”
Another person accused them of deleting negative comments on their Instagram account;
“I don’t understand why you keep deleting comments? They taxpayer has paid all your bills your whole life Harry.”
Oh dear, not good.
Here is where I route this back to my original post regarding Meghan being a Narcissist:
What Narcissists love is attention, but a sniff of negativity that comes their way and they won’t like it.
So despite the following;
They believed honestly that no negative press would come their way?
Of course it would, and partnering up with Global Positive News is just another example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Most likely that is a brand partnership, where the news outlet have most likely paid to be part of their social media.
So they are already profiting off of their titles just one month after their announcement to split, AND they are deleting comments questioning their actions.
Because Narcissists do not like criticism.
They do not like to be called out on their actions, and they just want everybody to like them.
I get it, positivity is a great thing, and I am all for it.
But if you do things and take actions that are no doubt going to upset people and just ignore them – how bloody Narcissistic can you get?
Own up to your actions, take responsibility.
This is just the beginning.
How long until Meghan appears in a movie?
How long until they spill the beans and say how awful life was a Royal?
How long until more people are being called racist for questioning their toxic behaviour?
Narcissists can get away with murder, by playing the victim card and manipulating everybody to like them.
The irony of this all is MOST people see through the lies, and the mind games being played.
And this is the start of a very ugly turn towards more negativity than positivity.
Regardless of their sponsorship with Global Positive News.
For the record there is no such thing as good or bad news – just news.
Meanwhile Harry is sitting their twiddling his thumbs as his wife bashes haters and only reads the comments telling her how special she is.
Thus giving an even more inflated ego to a very dangerous source – a Narcissist.
Watch this space.
“It’s all about me, me, and me.”
From 2010-2020 I have honestly lost count how many Female Narcissists I have had the real displeasure of coming across, or dating.
I have seen a meteoric rise in narcissism as a whole more so in the last 3-5 years.
And in the past I just used to label Female Narcissists without knowing too much about their actual conditions as just “crazy!”
But as I did my research more, and the more I learnt, I realized you could peg it all back to narcissism.
I will first give you several personal examples of Female Narcissists I have had the displeasure of meeting over the years and then list the signs to look out for if you suspect someone is one.
By the way, trust your gut you are most probably right in your accusation.
For the record I have had plenty of ex female narcissists, from short term dating to full blown relationships.
Moving forward I will be referring to them as “nexes” or “nex” aka “ex-narcissists”.
All of the stories below are true and are about different people from over the years too.
The Nex that lied about her past:
All my nexes lied about their past, every single one.
From where they worked or studied, to whom they dated.
The worst was one that denied she dated a mutual friend, despite me asking her many times but I was just way too embarrassed to question the guy.
Eventually 2-3 years later at a party the guy came to me and said “has your nex told you that we dated briefly once upon a time ago?”
I was fuming, why lie?
Because I was lied to, and I knew that if she had been lying about that, then who knows what else.
Everything she told me was a lie about her lie.
The Nex at the party:
This particular Nex was new, and we were dating for only a couple of weeks when my friend was having a party at his place inviting us over.
I brought her along and introduced this woman to all my mates for the first time, and I just got on with things and had fun.
I left my Nex inside the house whilst I was outside drinking beer with some guys, and all of a sudden I heard a commotion and some shouting.
I rushed in to suddenly see my Nex running out of the house to the front door!
Panicking I asked everybody inside “what happened?!!”
My friends had a solemn and confused look on their face, and replied “go ask your girl…”
I ran outside to catch her to which I saw she was smiling and crying like a lunatic.
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” I shouted.
She replied, “Oh that party was too boring, so I decided to create some drama saying you forced me to come, and that I secretly hated you! Let’s get out of here and go have sex!”
I told her to get into a cab, which she did, and I never spoke to her again.
The Nex and the Waitress:
It was my birthday, and me and an Nex were sat there having a pretty good time.
Then the waitress came over who was very polite and wished me a happy birthday.
I said “thanks,” and I simply asked her, “that’s an interesting accent where are you from?”
My nex screamed at the poor lady; “THIS DINNER IS FOR US NOT YOU, GO FETCH US OUR FOOD!”
The Nex and the Break In:
We once experienced a terrible break in on a very important religious night around 12am and so much was stolen from our family business.
The police were there, and we were devastated.
My nex happened to be with us, seeing people crying and in pain over what was lost and the trauma of the experience too.
After the police finished their investigation at 2am we left to go to bed shattered.
And then on our way home still shell shocked by it all, the nex starts having a moan; “all night you haven’t complimented my looks and my new dress, I look amazing and all you care about is your family!”
The Nex and the Selfie:
I had met a girl online through a dating app and she seemed sweet and kind – so I thought.
So I arranged to date her to which she agreed.
A few days leading up to our date she texted me a picture of herself out of the blue and said “wishing you a good morning.”
I replied simply with “good morning.”
She then lost her cool, and in all caps replied “HOW DARE YOU! WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME PRETTY!? AREN’T I BEAUTIFUL? AM I NOT THE BEST EVER?!”
She was NOT joking, and began crying.
Blocked and deleted this one even before we met.
The Nex and the Restaurant:
I went on a date with a charming and beautiful woman who really had an interesting personality.
Swept up by it all I asked her out to dinner a week or so after our first meeting to which she agreed.
I picked up this Nex and on our way to the restaurant we were having a very nice conversation.
All of a sudden she asked me where we were going along with what area is the restaurant too.
I told her it was in North West London, to which amazingly she started to scream:
“I AM NOT GOING THERE!!! I WILL GET STABBED! IT IS A DREADFUL AREA! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ME THERE! CHANGE IT NOW!”
Completely stunned and lost for words and driving down a country lane late at night I had no idea how to react!
I begged her to stop shouting to which she then grabbed the steering wheel, therefore almost making us result in a crash!
I pulled over and asked her to leave before I threatened to call the police.
For me I do not see the experiences as bad luck with the Nex’s but more so vital life lessons.
I have spent hours reading, and learning more about Narcissism and by doing so it has taught me to keep my guard up and introduce healthy boundaries.
Here are from my personal experiences signs you may be dating a female narcissist;
Take it from me, you are better off far away from such toxic individuals.
There are heathier and better people out there better suited to you, trust me I am the living proof of that.
Stay safe, walk away, go no contact and stick to it.
“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
Reality television and the rise of social media over the last few years has encouraged more narcissistic and entitled behaviour than in the history of modern civilization.
When it comes to rude people and insults they obviously go hand in hand with narcissistic personality disorder, sociopaths, and psychopaths to name a few.
But where does rudeness ultimately come from?
And why do people think it’s genuinely ok to insult us?
You have to understand that each and everyday people are rude and insulting almost everywhere.
As the quote says, it is a weak person’s imitation of strength.
However there is a difference in being rude and standing up for yourself.
If you find yourself in a slagging match with another rude person, whilst you may believe you are empowered and under the pretence that you are winning – really you are losing.
Rude people are usually disrespectful and have no filter, therefore they do what they want to get their way in order to make them feel good about themselves.
So if they insult you, and you do the same back to them, please tell me how that makes you better than them?
It doesn’t, you are lowering yourself to a level where you do NOT want to be.
You are most likely an empathetic person, where you feel for others, care, and show remorse.
Rude people aka narcissists, are not like this.
Because if they DID think about other people’s feelings, they would actually NOT insult others or be rude.
So why are people usually rude?
Well there are several main reasons.
As I have touched on before, they are most likely narcissistic.
Narcissism is on the rise unfortunately for good and kind people, and as a result empaths are on the receiving end of horrible abuse, manipulation and all kinds of toxic behaviour.
Narcissists are no different to spoilt brats, they do and say what they want, and do not care about the consequences of their actions.
So unlike you, they can call you dreadful names and feel no remorse, because essentially they are just rude and toxic people.
A connected strand of narcissism and rudeness is insecurity.
This may come as a surprise to you, but usually when somebody is insulting you it is actually bringing out a flaw in themselves.
So if somebody calls you fat for example, it is most likely that THEY see themselves as fat, or if they call you a loser, or anything deeply personal it.
That may be hard to understand, and they may be in great shape ironically, but deep down they are insecure.
They are uncomfortable in their skin, as therefore as their victim they project onto you in a sick way to make them feel better about themselves, whilst in the process hurting our feelings so badly for such a scathing attack.
Another reason why people are rude is one that is often overlooked and it is jealousy.
I have been subject to the most rude and ignorant insults by people richer and better looking than me.
Because they were jealous of how I carried myself.
I had natural confidence, I had belief in myself, and had always the ability to stand up for what I believed in.
Yet these rich and beautiful people hated me, despite them having everything anyone would ask for.
And that is due to the fact THEY lacked confidence, self-belief, and were weak on the inside.
People can on the surface have it all, but feel dead inside.
So they act rude because you possess something they will never have, and it is easier to project insults than to look within.
Narcissists never self-reflect, because they would rather be a victim and blame everybody and anything else for the problems they are facing.
Also rude people just have no empathy, therefore why would they care how hurt or insulted they have made you feel?
Remember, you are their emotional punching bag, you are the fix for their insecurity, jealousy, and narcissistic supply.
Luckily there is a way to deal with these individuals and my life experiences has shown me the best solutions.
I do not condone any forms of violence, and neither should you.
Turn the other cheek, and walk away, people are bloody crazy, it doesn’t matter how tough you are or think you can be.
You must pick yourself up, and walk away never to see that person again if you are faced with violence.
Fighting back with your fists will make matters worse.
The same goes with your words.
If somebody swears or insults you, doing it back to them will NOT solve any of your problems.
The best thing to do when faced with a rude person is to stay calm.
Do not react, but instead respond.
If somebody is hurling insults at you, just nod, be unfazed and try to remain calm.
Your calmness will aide you in your inner strength to combat such a malevolent person, and when the insults stop, simply tell them calmly the following;
“I am sorry, but I do not like the way you are speaking to me or treating me.
I find it to be very insulting and will not tolerate it.
So please stop it, thank you.”
Saying no to a narcissist is no different to a bad parent saying no to a spoilt brat.
They will not take it well, and they may get even more offensive!
So if you have conveyed your feelings calmly, and responded NOT reacted the only solution is to walk away.
Let me tell you a terrific method you can use today to help you in this process and that is the Gray rock method:
The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock.
Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored.
So imagine yourself that you are a grey rock and how would it react to insults and rudeness?
It wouldn’t it would be dull, boring and unattached.
Rude people thrive off you being upset and hurt, but if you show you are not fazed and willing to go no contact and walk away, your pride and dignity increases tenfold!
Try it next time, and remember when you are faced with rudeness; go GREY ROCK!
“Gaslighting is when you don’t remember things the same as they do, and is an attempt to change the truth.”
Deep down you know the following:
But suddenly out of nowhere you find yourself questioning things that you had never done so before.
You especially doubt and question other people’s motives, in particular those who happen to be the nearest and dearest to you.
You regularly ask yourself the question “who am I?”
You start to feel more neurotic and paranoid.
You may even start to ponder to yourself, “am I going crazy?”
Let me make something abundantly clear:
You’re not crazy!
If you can identify with any of the thoughts or feelings above, you are more than likely a a victim of the modern dating trend: Gaslighting.
Let’s define what Gaslighting means:
“Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim.
The self-doubt and constant scepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality.”
I normally associate Gaslighting with Narcissists, Sociopaths or Psychopaths.
Understand that is NOT normal to be emotionally, or physically abused by anybody.
Too much Gaslighting can lead people to completely lose their minds, and sanity.
They may act out of character, and resort to quick fixes that are incredibly toxic such as gambling, drinking excessively or smoking.
To have a bit more clarity on this, I have highlighted 8 signs that you are suffering from emotional abuse aka Gaslighting, and I have also drawn most of these from my own personal experiences.
I have had Narcissistic friends, family and romantic relationships all of my life, and I have been subject to many forms of Gaslighting, and have wanted to share my thoughts on this topic for a while.
Gaslighters like narcissists, are the worst and most obvious liars.
And the strange thing is deep down you know they are lying too.
You sometimes even catch them red handed and they are speechless.
And the problem with this, is they lie with just so much ease.
As a result of the frequent blatant lies, you begin questioning everything, and become unsure about whether they literally ate what they said they did for lunch.
This self-doubt and panic is what the abusers want.
My narcissistic friends would do the same, they would lie about what they did the night before.
Then I would see they went to a party or an event I wanted to attend too on social media from mutual friends.
Or romantic partners would lie that they are NOT talking or flirting with the opposite sex, only to see it blatantly happen on their social media daily.
You are not neurotic or paranoid, trust your gut.
They are lying to your face, and most likely about everything and anything too.
Along with the frequent lies come the frequent denials.
You have a good memory, and are not stupid, you KNOW what they said, or did.
Gaslighters may push you to unrealistic measures to “prove them wrong.”
You feel like you need to record conversations, or even film them saying what they did or spoke about in the past.
And even if you did all this, they’d still deny it!
As time goes on and the more they deny everything you accuse them off, you deny the truth too.
You will question your own reality frequently and begin accepting theirs more.
A few years back I saw a family friend having an affair and I called him out on it.
He denied it constantly threatened me with violence and so on, only for his now ex-wife finding him in bed with another woman.
I thought I was going mad, as I saw him on the road all the time with a new woman every week!
I knew his licence plate, what he looked like, I wasn’t crazy!
The more you allow the denials, the more you start believing in a false messed up world that doesn’t exist.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was “talk is cheap.”
It is so true with gaslighters, as due to the fact they are such huge liars, any promises they make are usually just completely false.
Their words will always mean nothing, and you are often amazed when they actually do something they’ve promised to you in the past.
Always look at what they do, not what they say.
I’ve had friends promise “I’ll meet up with you soon!” and you don’t hear from them for years.
I’ve had exes say “I will quit smoking, I will make more of an effort etc,” only to see them get far worse, and further away from their promises.
Watch what people do, NOT what they say.
A scary consequence of gaslighting is in fact the gradual morph of who you were to what you become.
The more exposure you have to lies, deceit and manipulation, and the more you accept it gives birth to the shadow of your former self.
Even the most extroverted and positive people can become a shell of the person they once were.
There is no fixing that at all.
I remember not acting how I used to be, forgetting what I had believed in or similar.
It’s because you are working against a force of nature that cannot accept you for what you are, or allow you to blossom to be the best version of yourself.
I remember snapping on vacation with an ex narcissist, because I saw how they pigeon holed me into being their puppet and allowing their abuse to take control of me.
I walked away, and took the next flight home, no longer remembering who I was.
That is when it is vital to do the healing and work to rediscover who you are.
This video from the Lion King always helped me in those difficult times:
Usually gaslighters are liars and are cheaters.
But often you find yourself the victim of their projection, and what that means is they often accuse you of the things they are doing.
Here are some personal examples of projection I have been subject to over the years:
“You are cheating on me”
“You are lieing to me!”
“You are worthless!”
“You have never accomplished anything!”
“You are a dreadful friend!”
“You are a useless co-worker!”
Often times with these gaslighters they are often saying how they truly feel about themselves.
The worst is you are constantly feeling the desperate need to defend yourself for something you have NEVER done or even thought of doing!
I am a creature of habit and have often craved as much stability and tranquillity in my life.
I like eating at regular restaurants I like, doing things I enjoy and associating myself with likeminded quality people.
But gaslighters know you crave this and do everything to distrupt this by causing drama and other problems.
Such toxic individuals know you seek clarity, and what ends up happening is that you seek the stability in the gaslighters – not pretty.
I remember being the same, I just wanted a peaceful, simple relationship.
But my narc exes wanted to cause drama, fight, and shout because it made them feel alive.
I just wanted to go for a nice meal and have a chilled evening!
They cannot do that, and over time you become so confused with what is normal and healthy behaviour that you unconsciously allow the madness to spread and continue!
Have you ever been told some of the following?
“You are just jealous!”
“You are blowing this out of proportion!”
“You are just insecure!”
“You just don’t get me!”
“You are just naïve and stupid!”
“You are far too sensitive!”
“You don’t like it, do something about it!”
If you have heard any of the following like I had, by that stage the gaslighter knows you are already questioning your sanity, which is exactly where they want you.
They also know your search for clarity and stability lies with them, so when they say any of the above or similar, you believe it!
What is worse is they will tell others close to you that “you are crazy!” in advance, so when you eventually open up to people outside your relationship, you are already tarnished with the crazy brush.
Trust me on this, the people who truly love and care for you know you are associating with a toxic person, and will always back you to the hills.
Gaslighters are so toxic and manipulative that they will turn you against every person close to you.
Say goodbye to your family, friends and colleagues.
You will end up hating them, disliking them or worse accusing them of lieing to you.
The gaslighter is simply manipulated you to the point where you believe everybody else is the issue, or the problem.
Whereas THEY are the toxic person in your life.
They are the cheater.
They are the liars.
The best thing to do if you are being gaslighted or emotionally abused is to work on your exit strategy.
Go quietly, go contact, cut ties, and stick to it.
There are better, healthier and wonderful people out there who will love and cherish you for you are.
“Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.”
No Narcissists don’t forget anyone, they just replace you with new supply aka somebody else because they are just bored of you.
There is a big difference between forgetting someone and not wanting someone back though.
For me and based on my experiences throughout my life Narcissists do not forget you.
However some show they have, and most show they haven’t.
I have said this plenty of times but Narcissists are no different to adult spoilt children.
They always want what they cannot have, and when they DO finally get what they want, they immediately discard it when they get bored.
Luckily for me I have both discarded and been discarded by plenty of Narcissists in my life from colleagues, to friends, and romantic partners.
I will first discuss what happens when YOU discard a Narcissist.
Discarding a Narcissist is a very difficult thing to do, because they have most likely had a very large impact on your life.
So to suddenly go no contact after seeing the mask slip or building up the courage to do so is no easy feat, but a vitally important step in your massive recovery.
When someone discards a Narcissist, it causes the mother of all Narcissistic injuries, aka rejection.
It’s what they fear more than anything, and if you have built up the strength to do so, they won’t like it one bit.
And what will happen in their mind is you will become an obsession to them, especially if you have blocked them, moved away, or completely cut them off.
You were their drug, their supply, and they fed off your being because Narcissists are energy vampires sucking the sheer life and soul out of your very being.
And for them to suddenly not have that, like the drug addict sends them into a spiral of madness.
Narcissists are usually control freaks, so you have taken away their power and all forms of control by walking away and never speaking to them or seeing them again.
They do not know how to handle it, and they will hoover and smear you just to grab your attention.
But if you are strong and smart enough, you won’t lower yourself to this miserable tactic, and you are fully focused on your recovery.
So that’s the kicker, you are most likely self-reflecting and healing.
They however, are focused on revenge, and somehow getting you back, only to cause you more abuse in the long run.
Don’t fall for their mind games.
A Narcissist will never forget the “one that got away,” aka the shiny toy they had but never appreciated.
It will also never cross their mind that they had anything to blame for in leading to their discard.
They will always blame you to their friends, family and themselves, and constantly paint themselves out to be the victims.
That’s why they won’t forget you, because ultimately you are the enemy, and it actually makes you extremely attractive to them.
Don’t see that as a positive, it’s just human nature for these individuals, they are toxic people who just want what they cannot have.
Therefore you will always be on their mind, it’s extremely hard for them to forget you.
And funnily enough they will actually in their own sick way respect you for standing up to them, and putting up boundaries.
Do not fall for it, please.
Whilst you are healing and reflecting, they are plotting.
Even if they are with somebody else too, it’s ultimately a tool to rub in your face that they are so happy without you and try to grab your attention.
It’s a game to them, do not play it, and never participate.
What usually happens on the flip side when a Narcissist discards you is the same thing.
They have made their mind up that they are simply bored with their toy (aka you), and want something new and shiny to play with.
So they move on pretty quickly or are not too far away from obtaining new supply either.
All of this is to show off, and rub it in your face inadvertedly that they are better without you.
For me, all my Narcissist ex-girlfriends hated their ex boyfriends.
They would describe them as “weak, pathetic,” and far worse names I would not like to share.
However, when I discarded them due to their Narcissistic personality traits or vice versa, I was given the same smear campaign, literally word for word.
Now this can hurt to hear or read, but ask yourself the following question;
“Why should you care?”
You are free of the evil clutches of a Narcissist that never loved you or gave you’re the emotional support that you were desperate for or deserved.
So why bother yourself with regards to their smear campaign?
You must take the higher ground and be the adult in all of this disgraceful behaviour.
It is all a tactic to get you to respond, to react, which is what they did to you constantly in the devaluation phase of your relationships.
Rise above it, focus on healing.
Read books, watch videos, reach out to others and educate yourself on the subject of Narcissism.
By doing this you are going to be able to have enough experience and confidence to identify such toxic individuals straight away in the future, so you won’t make the same mistake again.
And as you are healing and reflecting, they are still plotting on how to get revenge on you.
They want you to feel bad, and they want to you to feel jealous.
Because they see the world through the eyes of an entitled spoilt child.
They will not forget the ones who caused them the biggest Narcissistic injury of all, the ones who moved on to a better happier and healthier life without them in it.
Even if they discarded you, if you do not chase them, go no contact, and ultimately heal and move on they will never get over you nor forget you.
There will be constant reminders of your relationship, friendship, and times together for them to.
Remember their new supply is a weapon to throw in your face, but hopefully you are not stalking their social media or whatever knowing what they are up to.
The Narcissist of your life should well and truly be in the past, and you need to forget about them.
Do not waste your time concerned whether they are thinking about you – they always will, now there is your answer – so now please try to move on with your life.
“Hello stalker, I’m doing fine, and thanks for checking up on me.”
A Narcissist will always chase and become obsessed with what they can’t have.
Yes, the Narcissist will always want to do almost whatever it takes to get their way, because they are no different to spoilt children.
I’m going to assume you are reading this because you are a victim of Narcissistic abuse.
I must say I am sorry for what you are going through, and yes it is tough and confusing.
However, you are not alone.
There are plenty of us out there who have come into contact with Narcissists and survived and thrived.
Whilst it is easier to say than do, the initial stages after a discard or you walking away are always the toughest.
The Narcissist worked hard and tirelessly to gaslight you and make you obsessed with them.
They made you fixed on their drug which is their very being, how they operate, talk, flirt, love or make you feel.
You were fooled into believing this person was genuine and had extremely good intentions for you.
Unfortunately that couldn’t be further from the case.
You were lead down a spiralling hole into complete utter madness, no different to Alice chasing the white rabbit to wonderland.
Its sad yes, and you must work hard to get over it.
Narcissists usually come into our lives in a romantic sense, or they could be family members, friends or co-workers.
It doesn’t really matter where or how they do, instead understand from a spiritual standpoint that they have done.
And also understand that everything is going to be ok, and that you have nothing to worry about irrespective of how they threated to smear you or what have you.
Narcissists are dangerous more to themselves than to their victims.
But a common trend towards the end of any Narcissistic relationship is that either they discarded you or you have discarded them.
It is always more preferable if you discarded them, however a large majority wake up to find their lover or partner have just gotten up and left with their best friend or a random person they had just met a week before.
It hurts, its brutal I get it – but it’s part of life.
I could get into many reasons as to why or how this has happened but that is an entirely other subject.
The fact of the matter is right now most likely you are feeling angry and you are desperate to seek revenge on these individuals.
You are constantly looking back at all the photos the great times, the memories, the future you both had planned.
Or perhaps it was a friend you think their Narcissistic abuse towards you was just completely out of character.
Whether it be a partner or a friend I have one rule that you should apply to your life:
“Make friends with people who want the best for you.”
Narcissists will NEVER want the best for you, only themselves.
But I’ve digressed, you want them to be obsessed with you don’t you?
You want them to not stop thinking about you every single day?
I get it, from a spiteful standpoint, but the best way to do this is apply the following.
It is so easy to say “were done,” with a Narcissist one minute and find yourself in bed with them an hour later.
They are master manipulators, but all you are going to be doing is be stuck in a never ending cycle of abuse.
You will fight again, you will be gas lighted, and you will be manipulated.
You will get nowhere with a Narcissist ever, especially nowhere healthy and better than on a different path.
It is NOT your job to parent a Narcissist, or teach them right or wrong or how to have good morals.
They lack empathy because they are selfish, and are only seeking supply to make themselves feel better.
You were just a toy, a product, something they can play with or discard at their own doing.
That’s why regardless of who has discarded who, go no contact and get your bloody life back.
Cut them off every single form of contact – social media, WhatsApp, phone calls, texting, and if you have to stick to just emails.
But do not reply.
I have successfully been no contact with plenty of Narcissists over the years, and eventually they get the message.
Sticking to no contact with a Narcissist gives you an immense sense of pride, achievement and inner strength you never truly knew you possessed.
You will see the games they will play, and will pull out all the stops to grab your attention.
They’ll threaten suicide, violence, they will promise to change.
It’s all a lie, an act, they are frauds.
And because you go no contact you cut off the supply that they so desperately need to feel good about themselves.
Give it a few weeks, or months and eventually despite promising the earth and “not giving up on you,” they will become totally obsessed.
These disturbed individuals want what they cannot have, and you are denying them what they think they want.
Remember they don’t actually want you, they want the supply you give them.
By doing this like a drug addict who is denied their fix, they go into a complete utter meltdown.
It drives them crazy that they cannot control you or abuse you anymore, and suddenly they become Alice going down the rabbit hole into madness.
I see so many bitter and spiteful people angry that they are finally free of Narcissistic abuse.
My question to you is “why the hell are you angry?”
You no longer have to tread eggshells, have constant drama, and be made to feel so insecure.
You can grab life by the horns and bloody thrive!
Yes it’s daunting to be alone initially, but look on the bright side, a future with a Narcissist is far darker and gruesome than a life without one.
Being with a Narcissist can sabotage your sense of being, and can also make you feel confused especially in the discard stage.
I remember not knowing who I was, forgetting what made me happy, and having a real loss of identity.
This is because the Narcissist is trying to change you and mould you into what they want you to be, and you sacrifice your soul to these demons to still be under appreciated and abused.
But now you are free, and now as you plan your future without this person, you get an enormous sense of self control and power.
You take back your life and it is yours to thrive in whichever way you want.
You can now speak about whatever you like, and do whatever you like.
And the Narcissist will be obsessed by this because you are showing to yourself how strong and powerful you are without them.
They cannot handle that, because it makes them feel even more inferior than they already did before.
With that, they become utterly obsessed and they doubt themselves and their ability.
“I thought I was amazing, but look how good and well they are doing without me….why…” is what is running through their minds.
And they will mirror this, and show off how “great life is!” without you too.
But deep down you’ve hurt them.
By thriving and moving on without them in your life is the ultimate injury.
And they cannot on top of that contact you to abuse you or talk to you even more.
At this point the obsession is in full swing, and they will always think about you.
But the bigger question in all of this is why do you want them to be obsessed with you?
The best revenge is massive success.
I would instead focus on taking back control of your life, surviving and thriving.
You are going to be ok, and you WILL be better off without the Narcissist in your life.
I am living proof of this, and there are plenty of people out there who are too.