Having High Standards in Dating
This post is about having high standards when it comes to dating.
Dating is like a minefield these days, and if you are not careful you will attract the wrong type of partner, therefore I have 5 reasons why you need to raise your standards!
What is the sole purpose of dating?
Why do we date?
Why do we want a mate?
These may be obvious, but have you ever sat yourself down to ask yourself those very questions when it comes to your dating life?
Clarity and being specific is something a lot of people struggle with, they normally hold their nose cross their fingers and hope for the best to work out for almost anything in their life, be it their career and certainly a marriage.
But what is your end goal?
Is it marriage?
Is it to start a family?
Is it to combat loneliness?
As somebody who has survived narcissistic abuse from many relationships, I can tell you that it is essential you start choosing more wisely my friend.
That does not mean you only go after the super models and the super-rich.
This is more than looks, this is about having higher standards when it comes to dating, so you can HOPEFULLY find yourself the partner that compliments your life rather than those that will make it harder than it already is.
I will let you in on a little secret, most people settle.
I am sure you already know this, but in case you didn’t the cat is well and truly out of the bag now, yes they settle due to insecurity, age, pressure from their parents, or to make out they are not a loser by being single.
Always choose being single over being abused with the wrong type of person.
Narcissism is sweeping the world like a virus, so you want to be extra vigilant and careful with whom you decide to allow into your life.
“But SCG what if I NEVER find somebody!?”
You will, and you must stop thinking in such a defeatist attitude!
The fact is to find a diamond in the rough or that person that meets your needs and wants what is best for you is challenging, because you must filter out 99% of the population.
Most dating coaches say “unicorns” do not exist, and I agree with that.
But there is somebody out there with the same interests as you, the same morals, who is attractive who is in the EXACT same boat reading this very post right now.
You just have not met them, yet!
Here are 5 reasons why you need to have high standards when it comes to dating:
#1 – 50% of Marriages End in Divorce!
Yes, you read that correctly, 50% of marriages are due to end up in court filing for divorce and potential custody of children.
I have been to 5 different weddings over the last 5 years.
And guess what – 3 of them are divorcing, so technically its higher than 50%!
Now to the cynical person they are thinking the following:
“Marriage is a sham then! What is the point when there is a high possibility that I will just end up in court divorcing my partner?”
However, to the optimist, they think like this:
“Wow, so many people splitting, to me that means people are not thinking wisely over their life partners, or perhaps are rushing into something they were not ready for.”
In my culture (Mediterranean) we love a big fat wedding, with hundreds of people, lots of food and drinks, and so on.
But are the couple marrying for the right reasons?
Or are they pressured into it?
Or perhaps it is a business type of marriage for the parents?
Who knows, but the main take away from all of this is amazingly simple:
DO NOT RUSH IN!
I’ll repeat that:
DO NOT RUSH IN!
I know a guy who was not ever too keen on his girlfriend a few years back yet is now married with two kids and debt up to his eyeballs.
He blinked and the next thing he knew he was married!
I also knew another woman who was so desperate to get married that she dated a guy and within 6 months they were engaged.
Little was she to know a year later after they got married, he was a drug dealer, a cheater and very abusive, and they are now going through legal hell to get divorced, crippling them both financially.
The point here is to not rush into dating to get married.
YOU HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TO GET MARRIED!
You will also unfortunately attract the WRONG type of people if you do this straight away.
Narcissists will pray on people who are desperate for marriage, trust me on this, they will sniff you out from a mile away.
Instead focus on finding someone who makes you happy first and keep the wedding bells on hold for a while!
#2 – Stop Seeking Superficial Relationships
In the era of Social Media obsession, it is important to understand that your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse is NOT an accessory or a photo opportunity.
Let me explain:
Most people are dating to brag, especially if they are with somebody who is attractive, has a bit of status.
This applies to men AND women.
If a man is dating a beautiful woman, he will take hundreds of photos of her with him and blast it all over the internet to show off how lucky he is etc.
If a woman is out on a date she will do the same but slightly differently, she would show where she is, what she is eating or drinking and try to make her followers jealous that she is with somebody and perhaps they are not.
I cannot believe I need to say this, but I will:
THEY ARE A PERSON, NOT A PET!
THEY ARE A HUMAN BEING, NOT AN ACCESSORY!
THEY ARE A MAN OR WOMAN, NOT A TOY!
What has this got to do with high dating standards?
It has the slight opposite effect, meaning I am trying to tell you to stop being so god damn superficial if you do this.
Why is that important?
Because if you act this away then all you are dating is an ideal.
All you will be dating is a person who looks good in pictures.
All you will be dating is an “accessory.”
And once you put somebody firmly into the accessory category, you are in for a rough time ahead of you trust me.
A superficial relationship will not make you happy.
A superficial relationship is not emotionally intelligent.
A superficial relationship will create a lot of drama.
A superficial relationship will not give you that connection you need when times get tough.
Do not seek to show off or to brag because you are no different to a narcissist.
And I am warning you all you will attract is a narcissist too!
Possibly one more dangerous than yourself.
Instead seek personality, virtue, good morals, and good conversations over selfies and Social Media likes and followers.
#3 – Motivation to Improve Yourself
Another reason why you should have higher standards when it comes to dating is because it will give you some much needed motivation for you to improve yourself.
People can be a little arrogant and lazy and sit in their armchairs saying, “I want a beautiful partner who can make me happy!”
For guys it does not work like that at all.
If you want to get a smart, attractive, and good quality partner you really need to look and act the part for them to take any notice of you.
If you are:
There is a particularly good possibility you will not attract the partner you want.
Because what you are doing is raising the standards of that other person, however you are remaining stale and stagnant.
That is why you should whilst raising your dating standards take the much-needed opportunity to improve yourself.
Here are some examples of how you can improve yourself:
Get a new job
Start a business
Start lifting weights
Start a fitness programme
Read more books
Do something that scares you
Go outside of your comfort zone
Invest in new clothing
Get a fresh haircut or hairstyle
Buy a new car
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been.”
#4 – You Will Attract Better
There is a saying when it comes to dating that most people will “settle for anyone and anything they can!”
Well by raising your standards ever so slightly almost instantly you can attract a better-quality partner into your life.
However, “better” does not necessarily mean:
Better off financially
Instead what I mean by the term “better,” is better suited to you for a good, happy, and healthy relationship.
With narcissists and sociopaths swarming the earth like deadly hornets, you will hopefully bypass these toxic individuals.
Your higher standards will allow you to know straight away the signs to look out for, and instead the signs to avoid.
Here are some signs of the person to avoid:
If they are jealous
If they are obsessed with themselves
If they are manipulative
If they create drama
If they are extremely negative
If they are devious
If they are insulting
If they are rude to waiters
If they play mind games with you
If they criticise you constantly
If they feel they are superior to you
If they are from a toxic family
If they never spend a penny on you
If they are ungrateful
If they are never satisfied
If they make you feel like you cannot be yourself
#5 – Healthy Boundaries
Lastly by having higher dating standards you are also instilling healthy boundaries into your life, and by doing so avoiding the wrong type of partner!
What does it mean to have a healthy boundary?
Based on my own personal experience I believe having boundaries is having the mental strength and resilience to protect yourself from abuse of any type.
Abuse can take many forms:
Having a healthy boundary is the ability to say no, to walk away and ultimately have the right amount of self-respect to no longer tolerate such toxic and abusive behaviour.
Think of yourself as a parent, and that toxic person or people as your child.
You can either sit there and let them get away with murder, OR tell them you will no longer allow or tolerate it any longer, and if it continues walk away and find yourself better and healthier people to associate yourself with.
I often use the analogy of having no boundaries at all is like opening the door to your house and telling everybody to come in and do whatever they want!
What do you think will happen to your home?
Your Valuables will be damaged
Your Valuables will be destroyed
Your Valuables will be stolen
I think you get the picture.
So why are you therefore allowing the world to do this to your emotions, your soul and overall wellbeing?
When we let narcissists into our lives and tolerate them, it is no different to our home valuables and collectibles being destroyed.
Luckily for me I learnt from an early age that when somebody or a group of people cross that line and do what I would never do to them I walk away and never return.
Walk away from toxic people and date people who want the best for you.