How a Man Becomes Cold Hearted!
Step into the complex world of male emotions, where deep connections can unexpectedly turn cold.
Let’s unravel the reasons behind this sudden change, from past experiences that left scars to the pain of rejection.
What is a Cold-Hearted Man?
A cold-hearted man is someone who seems to have little or no empathy or warmth towards others.
He might act distant, unkind, or indifferent to the feelings of those around him, and instead of showing care or compassion, he might be harsh, uncaring, or even cruel.
Essentially, he keeps his emotions locked away, making it hard for others to connect with him on an emotional level.
Think of characters like Ebenezer Scrooge from Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.”
He starts off as a cold-hearted man who cares only about money and himself, ignoring the needs and feelings of others.
In my opinion one of the greatest stories about a cold-hearted man of all time.
Ok, so Why did Scrooge become cold-hearted in the first place?
Ebenezer Scrooge became cold-hearted primarily due to a combination of past trauma and his intense focus on wealth and material success.
As a young man, he suffered neglect and loneliness, which hardened his heart against forming emotional connections with others.
Over time, his obsession with accumulating wealth and his fear of poverty further isolated him from society, causing him to become callous and indifferent to the suffering of others.
Additionally, Scrooge’s bitterness towards the world compounded his cold-heartedness, as he viewed kindness and generosity as signs of weakness rather than virtues to be embraced.
It wasn’t until he was confronted with the consequences of his actions by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come that Scrooge began to thaw and rediscover his capacity for compassion and empathy.
Despite it being such an old and classic tale, how relatable is that to the modern man who becomes cold-hearted nowadays!
Especially in the digital age, where heavily filtered social media photos and videos are shoved down our throats showing men everything they ever wanted in life, the money, the house, the car, the relationship, the friendships, the happiness etc…
This is a serious problem…
Typically, in the past men as they got older in life would become a lot grumpier as grandparents etc.
But unfortunately, now, men as young as 20 are becoming cold-hearted…
What are the typical traits of a cold-hearted man?
Well, based on my own research, and in the brief and dark times where I was far more cold-hearted too, I believe it is the following…
Lack of Empathy
He struggles to understand or relate to the emotions and experiences of others, showing little compassion or concern for their well-being.
His heart has frozen, and whether it be somebody down on their luck, or hearing of a tragedy, he just simply struggles to relate and take it on board.
I knew of a cold-hearted young man in his 30s, who for whatever reason just struggled to show any compassion or empathy after my father tragically died.
He never had any idea what to say to me.
He showed little to no sympathy.
And he came across rude and extremely cold, especially when things were so raw insisting I just “get on with my life,” when my father had not even been buried yet.
In hindsight it was clear, he was and had become cold-hearted, and now coming from a far more logical and less emotional viewpoint of his behaviour, its pretty clear to see.
Self-Centeredness
He prioritizes his own needs and desires above those of others, often displaying selfish behaviour and little regard for the impact his actions may have on others.
I once knew of an extremely cold-hearted and selfish man who neglected his mother so badly when she was dying of old age.
When he put her into a nursing home, he hardly visited her, and she never even had a television in her room to entertain herself.
And anytime she begged and pleaded to see her son, he would respond selfishly “It’s my time now, you’ve lived your life!”
The worst of all is he went on vacation and found out his mother had passed away in her sleep, and STILL decided to see out the remainder of his trip rather than rush back and be by his mother’s side.
I know that is an extreme example, but it was a real one, and this man never used to be like this, and in the past loved his mother greatly…
Regrettably he just became extremely cold-hearted…
Isolation
He may prefer solitude or isolation, distancing himself from social interactions and preferring to keep to himself rather than engaging with others.
As I have gotten older, I have learnt to enjoy my own company more, but that is also because I was always out socialising in my younger days with many people.
But regrettably, the man who becomes cold-hearted in his life shuts himself away from society for longer periods of time, and sadly to his detriment in the process too.
Resistance to Change
He is resistant to personal growth or self-reflection, preferring to remain stagnant rather than confront his own shortcomings or vulnerabilities.
This is where the cold-hearted man may border along the lines of becoming extremely toxic and narcissistic.
Not towards other people as such, but to himself.
It’s easier to sit there and point the blame at other people, such as women, the government, society, the banks, the system, strangers online for his predicament.
Of course, whilst he might have compelling arguments to all that and more, at the end of the day he becomes nothing short of a broken record, and that is where it becomes a slippery slope…
As the years compound, and he just gets more stuck and set in his old bitter ways, rather than changing himself, growing and or trying a different perspective at his predicament!
Inability to Forgive
He holds onto grudges and past grievances, finding it difficult to forgive or let go of perceived slights or wrongdoings.
He genuinely believes that he has been so hard done by, and tarnishes everyone and anybody else with the same brush.
Assuming all women are the same, just because he got cheated on by the wrong woman in a past relationship.
Assuming all male friends are liars and backstabbers, just because he got screwed over by the wrong friends at school.
Assuming everything will just go the same as it did in the past, not recognizing that it was his naivety and his poor choice of friends and relationships that got himself into that predicament in the first place.
The grudges and his inability to forgive eat him away constantly, keep him awake at night, and make him extremely triggered, robbing him of joy, satisfaction, and any chance of a happier and more successful life.
I have the scars and stories and life experiences to make me a very cold-hearted man.
I have had friends betray me and screw me over.
I have had family lie to me, shame me, and humiliate me.
I have had women reject me, embarrass me, and degrade me.
I have had people in business steal money from me and cause me stress and agitation.
However, despite the pain, the trauma, the suffering etc, and whilst I certainly am a realist more than deluded, I stopped being so cold and bitter.
But that was my personal choice, through growing and learning about this very topic.
The following are the typical ways a man becomes cold hearted, which I have taken inspiration from my own life experiences up until this moment….
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#1 – How a Man Becomes Cold-Hearted (Part One)
Here are the following ways a man becomes cold-hearted…
Self-Protection Mechanism
Repeated rejection and disappointment can lead to a subconscious desire to protect oneself from further emotional harm.
In response, some men may develop a facade of emotional detachment as a defence mechanism to shield themselves from vulnerability.
When I was in my early 20s and even 30s, I so desperately wanted what I have right now, a good stable relationship with an attractive woman I could see a future with.
But no matter how hard I tried…
No matter how much I prayed…
No matter how desperately I wanted it…
It just never was going to happen for me, and the real reason why is harsh but necessary for you to understand – is this, I was not ready.
I was way too emotionally and mentally immature, I was too thin and weak looking, my sense of style was a mess, and I lacked serious confidence and experience with dating, talking to women etc.
But for several periods of time, I became cold-hearted and disinterested in dating and women overall.
I disguised it as disinterest, and from the outside looking in, it appeared that I never wanted to have a serious relationship and or settle down – but deep down I always did.
I remember going out for dinner with my late father and brother and just spouting nonsense about women and dating, saying stuff like:
“Marriage is a scam and a complete waste of time; I cannot see it happening for me ever because I will choose to never do it!”
They both looked at me with complete shock and disgust, as I had never said or believed in such things before, and then they said to me:
“This is not you; I don’t know who you are pretending to be or who has got these ideas into your head, but you need to stop!”
Years later when I was last single, I spoke to a close friend of mine who is happily married and said the following to him:
“Maybe I will never settle down, and just spend my life as a bachelor with casual relationships with multiple women!”
He shook his head, and rightly so and told me to “Grow up, please!”
It was my coping mechanism for my predicament, and my predicament at the time was feeling desperately lonely and frustrated that I never had love in my life or a healthy relationship.
That is why some men appear to be cold-hearted.
Lack of Support
If men do not have a strong support system to help them process their emotions and cope with rejection, they may resort to emotional detachment as a way of dealing with their pain.
Without healthy outlets for expressing their feelings, they may internalize their emotions and become increasingly cold-hearted as a result.
Why do you think forums and communities like “The Red Pill” and speakers like Andrew Tate have grown so much in popularity recently?
Because for the cold-hearted man, who has been bitterly and harshly rejected for a great deal of time and cannot catch a break can relate to such content and individuals.
It’s almost like an excuse.
For me, regrettably, I had succumbed for a period of time to The Red Pill community, by a toxic former friend who was the biggest liar and hypocrite going.
He insisted that I read up on the material, join the forums etc, and back then it was nowhere near as popular or mainstream as it is today.
The more I read, and the more other men I spoke to online, the more I felt a sense of belonging, and community.
I didn’t have that in my personal life, sure I had friends, I had family, but nobody who could understand my pain and suffering.
I have been self-employed for 14 years, and I work alone 90% of the time remotely in an office alone too, or at home.
I hardly see many people, or speak to them face to face, so to be single as well as working primarily alone used to hurt me.
And most of the people in and around my life were either in relationships, married, or had children etc.
When I would reach out for help and support nobody could understand my predicament, or my loneliness, or take any understanding for my situation.
In 2020 my father tragically died young, and my mother has now been widowed and living alone for several years.
She has lost her husband in the worst possible way, and now lives a life single and far more alone than ever before.
She turned around to me not long ago and bravely admitted the following:
“I want to apologise for those times where I saw how upset and hurt you were being single and alone and just wanting a relationship, and never emphasising with you.
Now I know how that feels, in the cruellest way possible, and it’s awful…”
Nobody taught me how to handle rejection.
Nobody taught me how to handle being alone for so long.
Hence why just like I used to be, men in those situations become cold-hearted.
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#2 – How a Man Becomes Cold-Hearted (Part Two)
Here are more interesting ways a man becomes cold-hearted…
Emotional Exhaustion
Constant rejection and disappointment can drain one’s emotional energy.
Men who have been through a series of unsuccessful relationships may become emotionally exhausted, causing them to shut down emotionally as a way of preserving what little emotional energy they have left.
I recall when I was hopelessly single in the past, and every single time I would get close to a woman, or assume things would be progressing to that next level, I would either get rejected or become bitterly disappointed in the outcome.
For example, it would appear we were getting along and that things might escalate to either a second date or more.
And then I would be met with the following excuses by the types of women I used to date:
“I am sorry but I only like you as a friend.”
“I am not looking for a serious relationship.”
“I have been offered a job abroad and I accepted it.”
“I am planning to move out of the city and closer to my family.”
“I just do not see any way we can date each other.”
“I do not find you as attractive as I thought.”
“I think it’s better we just cut ties completely.”
Crushed by a bitter rejection that was often not even my own fault I used to feel drained and totally exhausted.
For instance, say I was met with rejection (typically over text message) I would then spend the following few days in isolation, alone feeling sorry for myself.
And that is when worst of all I would become very attached to my smartphone and go down the rabbit hole of content and influencers who reinforced negative views of women, relationships and so much more.
Once hindsight is a beautiful and of course often overlooked thing.
Every woman I ever dated in the past was wrong for me.
Including every single relationship too.
Every time I got hung up, disappointed, or let down was just a part of the dating process.
Which led me to the man I am today, with the wisdom and experience to fully appreciate how far I have grown, and be grateful for all that I have as well.
But I was very cold-hearted unfortunately….
And that is because I was SO emotionally exhausted.
Cynicism
Prolonged exposure to rejection and disappointment can breed cynicism towards relationships and love in general.
Men who have experienced numerous setbacks may adopt a cynical outlook, viewing relationships as inherently flawed or destined for failure.
This cynicism can contribute to their emotional detachment and cold-heartedness.
Here are the following typical cynical beliefs and statements men who become cold-hearted genuinely believe and feel:
“Love? It’s just a word people throw around until they find a reason to walk away.”
“A woman is never yours, it’s just your turn.”
“Relationships are like sinking ships; the longer you stay on board, the deeper you drown.”
“Why invest in someone who will inevitably leave when things get tough? It’s just a matter of time.”
“Behind every ‘I love you’ is an expiration date waiting to be revealed.”
“Commitment is just a fancy word for someone signing up to eventually break your heart.”
“Trust? It’s just a gamble we take, hoping we won’t end up losing everything.”
“Fairy tales are for children; in the real world, love is just a temporary distraction from the pain.”
“Love is a transaction; we give pieces of ourselves away, hoping to get something in return.”
This happened to me of course!
I became cynical, and so negative, so critical, and such a different man overall!
And yes, I did unfortunately display signs of a cold-hearted man.
I questioned everything, almost became a bit of a conspiracy theorist with extreme views on dating, women, society etc.
Did this make me happier as a man overall?
No.
Did this improve the quality of my life overall?
Certainly not.
Did this improve my chances with women and dating?
No.
In fact, when I did go on ANY dates, I would find myself lecturing women about “how unlucky men are when it comes to dating and relationships.”
All those rejections and setbacks made me temporarily very cynical.
Any motivation or hope or confidence in me at that time was temporarily shattered, and I found myself bitter and so cold-hearted.
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#3 – How a Man Becomes Cold-Hearted (Part Three)
Here is part three of the number of ways a man becomes cold-hearted…
A Lack of Support
Have you ever wondered why the likes of Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, David Goggins etc have grown so rapidly in popularity online these past few years?
Because sadly most men, especially younger men are lacking support, healthy role models, who can resonate with their struggles, and give them advice that is far more practical and beneficial too.
If men do not have a strong support system to help them process their emotions and cope with rejection, they may resort to emotional detachment as a way of dealing with their pain.
Without healthy outlets for expressing their feelings, they may internalize their emotions and become increasingly cold-hearted as a result.
The problem with the lack of support is people can and will become attached and reliant to online communities and ideologies like “The Red Pill.” – let me explain more…
Imagine you’re watching a movie, and there’s this character who learns a big secret about the world that changes everything he thought he knew.
The “red pill” idea is kind of like that.
It comes from a movie called “The Matrix.”
In the movie, the main character gets offered a choice between a red pill and a blue pill. If he takes the blue pill, he goes back to his normal life, but if he takes the red pill, he learns the truth about the world, even though it might be hard to handle.
So, when people talk about taking the red pill online, they’re talking about discovering some eye-opening truth about society, usually related to men’s issues or how they see the world.
It’s like waking up to see things differently, even if those things might be uncomfortable or challenging.
When I was first introduced to the “red pill” a long time ago online, I was done so by a very sad, toxic, and negative former friend.
This so-called friend at the time was also a massive hypocrite, who would insist to me that “I never want to get married as all women are the same.”
The last I heard of this guy, he was happily married, with a child on the way too.
And as I dived deeper into the theories, and philosophies of “the red pill” mostly online, I started behaving in the following ways:
I became far angrier and more aggressive.
I was pigeonholing men and women into certain categories.
I was far more negative, and way more of an avoidant.
I adopted an all or nothing attitude to the world.
All because I lacked at the time good, healthy, and positive male role models in my youth, which contributed to making me far more cold-hearted as a man.
Social Expectations
Societal norms and expectations surrounding masculinity can play a significant role in how men process and express their emotions.
In many cultures such as the mediterranean one, men are socialized to be strong, stoic, and unemotional, which can lead to the suppression of vulnerable emotions like sadness or hurt.
As a result, men may feel pressure to maintain a facade of toughness even in the face of emotional turmoil, leading to emotional detachment.
This is where certain influencers online like Andrew Tate, and certain forums and blogs promote “Toxic Masculinity.”
Toxic masculinity is when society tells boys and men that they always have to be tough and hide their emotions.
It’s like a rule that says guys can’t cry or show vulnerability because it’s seen as weak.
This pressure to always be strong and stoic can make it hard for guys to express themselves and can even lead to them doing things they don’t want to do, just to fit in.
But in reality, it’s okay for men to have feelings and talk about them.
Toxic masculinity puts unfair expectations on guys, making it difficult for them to be true to themselves.
Here are some common phrases you might hear from men promoting toxic masculinity:
“Real men don’t cry.”
“Stop acting like a girl.”
“Toughen up and take it like a man.”
“Showing emotions is a sign of weakness.”
“I don’t need help, I can handle it on my own.”
“Don’t be a wimp, just suck it up.”
“Being emotional is for women, not men.”
Sadly, I have been guilty of this, where it would result in me completely bottling my emotions and never expressing them or letting them out in a healthy manner.
Around three years after the tragic death of my father, it finally hit me like a tonne of bricks in one very emotional evening aka that he was gone forever.
I cried for days.
I lost complete control.
I was so upset and hurt.
Because in my culture, it was wrong to show any pain and hurt for my dad dying tragically, aka it was not manly enough.
Hence why for two years after his death I was SO cold-hearted…
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#4 – How a Man Becomes Cold-Hearted (Part Four)
Here are the final ways a man becomes cold-hearted in their lives….
Internalized Messages
Men may internalize messages from past relationships, such as being told they are not good enough or that they are unworthy of love.
These negative beliefs can become deeply ingrained and shape their perceptions of themselves and their potential for future relationships, contributing to emotional withdrawal and guardedness.
I was very unfortunate to go to TWO high schools, where the girls in my class treated me like such dirt, and for no logical reason either.
I was always a confident young man, very outspoken, a people’s person as well, however, regrettably, these girls knocked me down constantly, and bullied me just for being proud of who I was!
They used to bully me with the following statements:
“I regret to see the woman who ends up marrying you one day.”
“You are ugly, sorry, and you will never be goodlooking.”
“You are just a loser, just accept it.”
For MANY, MANY years after high school, and well into my adult life, I carried those insecurities with me.
Which all became internalized messages, deeply ingrained in my subconscious.
I used to regularly say the following to myself:
“I am absolutely terrified of what my bride will look like when I get married…”
“I am not attractive, no matter what I do, or how hard I try to fix it…”
“I just feel everybody thinks I am a failure in life…”
Therefore, unsurprisingly as well, these beliefs that were so internalized and ingrained inside me made me so cold-hearted.
Why even bother getting married, if I am destined to be with a woman who I dislike and potentially dislikes me too?
What is the point of getting a haircut, buying nice clothes, and getting into shape, when I am just always going to remain unattractive?
What is the point of even trying to do something special, or work hard, or just make it in life when I am destined for failure?
Fortunately, I FINALLY snapped out of those awful messages I told myself, and proved myself and those nasty women from school WRONG.
But had I never done so, through healing, hard work, and self-reflection….
I would have remained very cold-hearted…
And robbed myself of ANY potential of happiness in the process.
Comparisons and Envy
Constant exposure to societal portrayals of seemingly perfect relationships or observing others’ seemingly fulfilling romantic lives can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and envy in men who have faced repeated rejection.
This can lead to a sense of bitterness or resentment towards those who appear to have what they desire, further fuelling emotional detachment as a defence mechanism.
Whether you are watching couples on television and in movies…
Or swiping through your social media…
Or walking down the street…
Or attending an event like a wedding etc….
Your eyes are exposing you to the perfect relationships, and romantic life that just seems for some reason so out of reach for you.
I remember attending a Christmas party a few years ago, where I was so desperately single and alone, in fact I was the only person there without a romantic partner.
I drank too much alcohol and spouted such nonsense that I was coming across like a real sourpuss to everybody, and during Christmas as well.
I had been dumped six months earlier as well, and I was bitter to be alone at Christmas and going into the new year with absolutely no potential girlfriend or relationship on the horizon.
I was saying the following to those who unfortunately had to listen:
“There is no such thing as the one, it’s all a waste of time…”
“Most marriages are destined for divorce these days…”
“I could never be overly vulnerable with a woman, that’s even if I ever find anybody…”
“Relationships are failing nowadays; they are just not worth it…”
“Women have it so good, it’s the men who are dealt the bad hand…”
I can safely say that I made an absolute fool out of myself with those beliefs and statements, because six months later, I met the love of my life.
And do not believe anything I said or resonate with any of it either!
But it made sense why at the time I felt so upset, I was frustratingly single and I just wanted to be happy and in love.
However, the biggest problem was I was trapped in a negative cycle of comparisons and I practiced envy.
Envy where I wanted what others had, rather celebrating the love and success of their relationships, their love, their happiness etc.
I would hate to think what I would have been like had I remained single, and not met my partner, and how much more bitter I would have become…
And especially through all those comparisons, especially on social media as well, which would have made me remain a cold-hearted man…
#5 – Conclusion
In conclusion, there are many ways a man can become and sadly remain cold-hearted for the rest of his life.
But what I have noticed through my experience, is when you come out at the other side, life becomes so much sweeter.
Perhaps like myself you were positive, optimistic, and happy, with the desire to have love, relationships etc as part of your life and future.
Then for whatever reason, and 9 times out of 10 it’s due to the wrong partners and relationships, all those hope, happiness, and excitement for the future dithers away…
You are cold-hearted now…
You are bitter now…
You are resentful…
You are now Ebeneezer Scrooge!
But remember what happens to old Scrooge at the end of his story?
He changes, his cold-heartedness melts away, he becomes more grateful, more generous, kinder, and most importantly of all, he becomes happier.
I am really sorry for whatever cards life has dealt you so far, and trust me, I am not excusing them or dismissing it at all…
But you have a chance, to live your best life ever by becoming more self-aware, questioning those internalised messages, and taking more risks etc.
You will be incredibly surprised at the results for doing this, because you were never cold-hearted to begin with remember?
Sadly, certain circumstances and people made you feel that way.
But like myself and many other men, there is a chance of a new life, and a second wind in your sail by simply picking yourself up again, dusting yourself off and realising you are the captain of your fate…
The master of your destiny!
Turn the sail into a new direction of your life, away from misery, bitterness, resentfulness, regret, and certainly cold-heartedness.
If I can do this, so can anybody!
