Why Do We Need Emotional Intelligence?
This post is about why do we need emotional intelligence in our lives?
Also, I will give you 5 ways for how to improve your emotional intelligence.
What exactly is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.
In a day and age where narcissism is sweeping the world like a virus, it clearly would not help to brush up on this.
For me in the past I was never emotionally intelligent at all.
I was naïve, and I would always be manipulated, abused, and bullied by other people.
I was a pushover.
However, once I started noticing familiar trends in how people acted and basic psychology, I realized that I was never properly educated how to manage my emotions intelligently.
For example, a spoilt toddler will cry whenever they do not get their way.
And a spoilt adult may get violent, shout, or scream yet they are no different to the toddler.
Therefore, some adults never really matured from when they were kids, and they grow up to become sociopaths, narcissists, and toxic individuals.
It has never been a better time in recent history to really understand your emotions and to get on top of them.
Whilst therapy and counselling certainly work it can only really take you so far.
The rest is down to you.
Your reactions, your triggers, your overall feelings.
You are 100% responsible for whatever situation you find yourself in.
However, the good news is regardless of your situation you can find the strength to get through it and get out of it.
Without emotional intelligence I would have never done the following:
- Worked for myself
- Had relationships
- Left toxic relationships
- Beat my gambling addiction
- Had the confidence in myself
- Be able to rationalize difficult situations
- Be the reliable person at my father’s funeral
- Conquer my anxiety
Emotional intelligence is vital for modern living.
Here are 5 tips how to improve your emotional intelligence in your life:
#1 – Respond NOT React
Responding not reacting is one of the most powerful tools in your armour when you are more emotionally intelligent.
When I was with a narcissist, I was triggered left right and centre, only to realize that is what they wanted, they want to upset and hurt you.
The same can be applied to anybody, they want to see you react as it gives them a rise out of you.
It is almost like supply to them and you are the drug.
Remember emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to defuse conflict.
Now whilst turning the other cheek may not be so easy at times, walking away certainly is.
I have walked away from toxic people for years now, and it is the easiest and simplest way to treat toxic people.
Once a boundary has been crossed and that person feels no remorse or no regret for hurting me, I simply say goodbye and never look back.
I do this because I have evaluated the entire situation.
Here is a personal example, “well if this person had no problem stealing money from me, then he has no respect for me, and will most likely do this again in the future. Therefore, I will be more stressed and constantly thinking that at any time this person may steal from me again. Do I want to live my life like this when there are better, healthier and more positive people to surround myself with?”
That is rational thinking, and instead of having a huge conflict and argument, I distance myself completely and start living a new life without them in it.
Einstein said, “weak people seek revenge, strong people forgive, but intelligent people ignore.”
Here is a thought process on how to respond and NOT react when dealt with a difficult situation which may trigger an emotional reaction.
Let us use an example that a close friend has really hurt or betrayed you:
Think of the big picture – this argument may be nasty, they may be awful to you, but do you really want to waste your life with a toxic person in the future?
Put the situation in context – perhaps the argument is minor, and you are being sensitive. However, if there is genuine reasoning by you feeling hurt then you need to decide.
Combine logic and emotion – yes you are feeling upset or angry but try to put a logical spin on the situation. My friend lied and stole from me (emotion), he is not really a good friend then (logic).
Ask yourself the key reaction question – how can I move forward knowing what I know now? Do I see a future with this person in my life?
Make a logical decision – either walk away, or drift apart from this person. Life is way too short for toxic individuals who will make your life harder than it already is.
#2 – Pause and Reflect
Learning to pause and reflect is a real powerful tool to improve emotional intelligence.
God rest his soul my father was the best at doing so.
I will never forget when we had a traumatic day dealing with a business emergency not long ago.
And instead of reacting, shouting, and screaming despite us being filled with rage with this situation he insisted to me that I leave him alone for several hours.
In those hours bless him I saw him staring off into space.
He just sat there and reflected.
Then when he was ready, he called me into the room with him, and he had a well thought out plan to deal with the problem we had.
He insisted to me “if I didn’t sit down and pause and reflect, I would have made the wrong decisions, I needed to process everything we had just experienced.”
The key phrase there being “process everything.”
Like reacting and not responding, when people are dealt with a situation, they find uncomfortable or difficult they completely act out of character.
They do not think straight.
They completely lose their control.
They say things they regret.
They certainly DO things they regret.
And they ultimately make things 100% worse.
It is SO important to pause and reflect on all situations in your life to improve your emotional intelligence.
When my father was critically ill on three life support machines, I of course wanted him to recover and come home.
But then I realized what sort of life would he had lived if he did?
He would never had been the same as he was before, he would have been in a terrible state due to the damage he went through on his body.
So, through my heartbreak and tears I said to myself “he is no longer suffering and is at peace.”
I did exactly like my father did, I paused and reflected.
By pausing you halt your emotions, whether you are angry, sad, or depressed.
You take a deep breath and you analyse your situation.
And you then start to realize the truth, the right reaction, the right approach, the right way to deal with whatever problem or situation comes your way.
Master this to not only become more emotionally intelligent but to transform your life!
#3 – 100% Responsibility
Let me tell you a crazy story about a therapist who healed sick people in a mental asylum without doing anything.
His name was Dr Hew Len, and he was a former psychiatrist turned spiritual teacher of zen.
The hospital hired him and within only a few weeks, the entire place transformed and patients who were so sick were recovering, and it was almost like a miracle.
Then before he retired Dr Hew Len taught his methods to people all over the globe on how to create your own reality through your own responsibility.
But when asked exactly what he did, he said that he was constantly clearing his mind of all the junk and trash and instead filling it with healing mantras.
However, his main philosophy was this:
“I am 100% responsible for everything I experience in my life, good or bad. For example, if a patient is unwell, I would ask myself ‘what is going on inside of me to make this patient sick?’ And I would clean the thoughts in my head dwelling on this, and they would heal.”
Now some of you may be very sceptical of this man but if there is one core element, we must take away from him it is the following:
“I am 100% responsible for everything I experience in my life, good or bad.”
By taking responsibility, it will make you more emotionally intelligent.
If you hate your job – it is because you have got yourself in that situation.
If you hate your spouse – it is because you have got yourself in that situation.
If you dislike where you live – it is because you have got yourself in that situation.
If you dislike how you look – it is because you have got yourself in that situation.
I get it “but what about disease, tragedies, etc?”
You are still 100% responsible.
You may ask “but won’t that riddle me with guilt?”
On the contrary, it will help you to mature as an adult.
You will see these situations coming your way and respond accordingly.
You are responsible for everything, and anything you experience in your life.
Therefore, by being responsible, you can adapt and change what is in your control.
The best place to start is in your mind.
Look at your thoughts, what you are dwelling on, and rather than basking in self pity and misery, instead learn from your mistakes.
Improve on your situation.
Be responsible and treat yourself like somebody you need to look after and genuinely love and care for.
#4 – Believe in Yourself More
For me personally I learnt how to believe in myself from my own father.
He was entirely self-made, came from a poor family, and achieved everything on his own.
He was the epitome of the entrepreneurial dream.
Believing in yourself similarly to taking 100% responsibility starts and ends with you.
I get up every day and have gotten up everyday working on projects with slow to minimal growth because of that inner belief.
All it costs me is my time.
All it costs me is my energy.
I had no subscribers or visitors to SCG Show.
Now it is increasing every single day because of all the hard work I put in when toxic people told me to quit and not bother, and of course because of my self-belief.
Here are some great tips on how to believe in yourself more:
Think About Your Past Success – When I was upset about a business failure, I took some serious time to reflect on everything I had achieved before. Life has its ups and downs, yet I realized that I still did very well to get myself into the position I had done. So, get a notepad and write down all whether big or small the successes you had. It could be anything, getting married, losing weight, getting a job. Write them down and read them from time to time to reflect on all you have done in your life.
Learn to Respect Yourself – Respecting yourself is having boundaries and knowing what and what NOT to tolerate. If you respect yourself, you will not associate with toxic people or abusive friends or partners. You respect yourself to know you deserve better and to therefore walk away to healthier and more positive outcomes.
Change your Mindset – Having persistent negative self-talk is like routing for the opposition who wants to destroy you. Change it, stop putting yourself down and start bringing yourself up for the better!
Trust Yourself – The only person who truly knows what is best for you is not your parents, spouse, boss or friends or family, but YOU! Yes YOU! You know what is and what is not good for you. You know what is best for you and what is not. So therefore, begin trusting yourself. Your instinct, experience and wisdom are the best totools to increase self-trust.
Use Law of Attraction – The best way to believe in yourself and your goals is to believe you have already accomplished them with the law of attraction. When I first started SCG SHOW with no traffic, I believed that I was going to have 1000 subs by June 2020. And lo and behold I hit that exact target from 0 subs! Use the power of the law of attraction to really believe you have already hit your target and reached your goals.
Go for it – The pandemic has taught us that life is even shorter than we first imagined. So why not just go for whatever it is you have set your mind to? What have you got to lose? Your self-belief will skyrocket if you do this. Just do not overstretch yourself financially, or put your health at risk, and go for whatever it is you are looking to do!
If nobody else believes in you hopefully this will help because I do, and I believe you are an amazing person who can do anything they set their mind to.
#5 – You Can Handle Those Tough Experiences
Why do people love the comic book character Batman so much?
Because he is a very relatable and inspirational character.
Batman has no superpowers at all, he is just a guy in a funny costume.
Yet he takes on the toughest and deadliest of villains because he can take it.
Look at the dialogue from the end of The Dark Knight, when Batman (spoiler alert) insists he be blamed for murders another guy committed, just so the justice system does not come crashing down.
“Why is Batman running? Because we have to chase him. Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now, so we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it, because he’s not a hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a Dark Knight.”
Because he can take it!
Tough situations do not last, however tough people do!
And tough situations make people tougher to test their endurance, their beliefs, their personalities, and overall character.
Soldiers return from war, and whilst some may have PTSD, others really know they can take life full on because they have literally come back from hell.
You can do this too.
By being more emotionally intelligent you are more prepared for the tough situations set to come along your way in life.
You are ready to face the music.
When my father died, I was ready to face his funeral as the most reliable person there.
I wanted to help wherever I could, I parked my emotions at the door, and was the man that people could look up to.
Because I believed it was the right thing to do, and it made me a stronger person too.
By developing your emotional intelligence, you are basically improving yourself to become a tougher, stronger, and better person overall.