“Breakups are tough, but people are even tougher.”
I was listening to a Jocko podcast when I was going through a pretty rough breakup and he basically said how when it comes to splitting up;
“You were in love with the fantasy, the person you thought they once were, not what they actually are.”
I don’t think I have found a truer description on a breakup, and I suppose one has to go through the motions to really truly discover and understand what they go through.
Another piece of advice came from my uncle of all people;
“It doesn’t really matter how long you were together, but I can safely tell you it will take you at the very least about six months to get back on your feet.”
He could not have been more right.
I could tell you right now how breaking up with a narcissist is not especially straight forward, more so because there is absolutely no closure.
Closure is a wonderful beautiful thing to soften the blow of one chapter ending in your life, in a very mature manner.
But in my case in particularly dealing with such a toxic and narcissistic individual you realize that there is no closure, because there is no reasoning with them.
However I am not painting myself out to be a victim here either, all breakups are tough.
Every single one.
Whether you have been dumped, or caught them cheating, getting divorced or what have you.
Regardless when you let a person into your life, then into your emotional space, your home, your heart, your mind, your family.
And suddenly regardless of why or how, they are out of the picture.
They cease to exist in your eyes.
I know it is a generalization here but all breakups are the same.
They all hurt, they are all crap, and they are all transitional.
Here is another very wise statement;
“You will only be over somebody when you start to make plans about your life, without them.“
How true a statement.
How accurate a statement.
If you plan a vacation, a trip abroad, a career move, a location move, anything that will impact your life, without that other person’s feelings, or presence involved – you have moved on.
But hold on bucko – that is just one part of the situation here.
It does not mean you are emotionally over that person.
It does not mean you are ready to date.
It does not mean you are not also no longer upset.
What I learnt in those first six months was it is just a gruelling process of grief.
It takes time to really move on.
It takes time to piece your life back together.
I do not agree with those who move on straight away, or date somebody else or appear not bothered.
Because they are in for a MASSIVE case of PTSD shortly down the line, where they will suddenly get flashes of what they had, and they will have a break down emotionally because they didn’t do the work or the healing.
All breakups need at least 6 months to heal from.
Every single one, irrespective of what happened or how it happened.
They all require the same amount of transition.
When you break up, you will be emotionally all over the place.
That is why it is important to be ruthless and cold, and put an abrupt end to all interactions with your ex.
So that means deleting photos, numbers, social media, everything and anything.
Understand and accept the next 6 months are going to not necessarily be rough, but not be a picnic either.
If there is one thing I would tell myself in the past is the same thing I am telling you now.
Every day improves.
Every moment gets better.
Do not rush the healing.
So the first step is moving on.
Book a vacation alone.
Go out to eat alone.
Do things you enjoyed in your relationship alone.
Spending time alone and realizing it isn’t as awful as others make it out to be, will show you that everything is ok.
In fact you will also know that there is a lot more to you than you realized too.
For me I had lost so much of my personality in my relationship – narcissists will do that to you.
And gradually over time, I started remembering what made me who I was, and what I enjoyed.
Your breakup is a good chance to realize what made you special, but also what you can do to improve about yourself.
Pre my relationship I chased casual romance, and nothing serious.
Now with a more mature outlook, I only pursue what is meaningful and have high standards.
Something that I had NEVER had before in my life.
You can do the same.
Also whilst it may be difficult to at first, channel your energy and time or resources into a passion project.
The very website you are reading this on now was that project – the SCG SHOW came out of a break up.
And it has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life.
The distraction mentally or physically will help you realize that you can survive absolutely fine without that person in your life.
Also remember to have a list of all the negative aspects of your past relationship.
Even if they were “perfect” just list the fact they broke up with you.
You will NEVER be enough for the wrong person.
By doing this, you will remind yourself of WHY you will NOT go back or rekindle a relationship.
There is a high percentage of people who breakup when they get back together after a split.
Once you are done, you are done.
Don’t be wishy washy, stick to your guns.
For me I had made a list in an mp3 on my phone, so whenever I was feeling down, I’d just listen to all the awful things of my past relationship.
It would immediately reassure me I had done the right thing by moving on.
And also last but not least GO NO CONTACT AND REMAIN NO CONTACT.
In my case no contact with a narcissist is essential, as they are manipulative and extremely toxic people.
So the cycle of abuse and manipulation would be never ending.
It is stressful, time wasting and just awful.
So cutting off the supply to these narcissists is the only way to deal with them.
There is NO reason to have you exes number unless you are sharing custody of children.
So delete them, especially off social media.
You are not friends, you have nothing to discuss.
Remember you are trying to stop thinking about them, talking to them all the time will halt your development and also stop you from meeting someone new.
It is a waste of time.
I am proud to be 7 months no contact, and believe me I had plenty of contradictory emails begging for me to go back.
Even though when we split she told me “she hated me etc.” – Typical narcissist.
With that pride and self-respect I can carry myself a lot better into a new healthier relationship, and you can do the same.
Enjoy the transition, do exactly what I said, and all will be fine.
I guarantee it.