Before you get married, you need to watch this very important video.
There is an Aesop Fable that I will paraphrase for you which can be used to describe most relationships that were not given enough thought.
A monkey was wondering through the jungle when he noticed a beautiful tree across a stream carrying the ripest fruits he had ever seen!
Starving and delighted by what he saw the monkey then looked down at the water.
It appeared quite deep in the middle, but he had more than enough strength to make it across.
So as it got ready to swim a very dangerous looking scorpion approached the monkey.
“Argh!” shouted the monkey, “please don’t sting me!?”
“Sting you?!” replied the scorpion, “my goodness I wouldn’t want to do that….”
“Well what you want from me?” asked the monkey.
And with that the scorpion explained how it longed to be on the other side of the stream too, and noticed the monkey was going to swim across to get there.
“Is there any chance you can let me ride along your back as I come with you?” asked the scorpion.
The monkey however was apprehensive, “but you are a scorpion, you will sting me, and if I am poisoned I will drown!”
“But so will I!” insisted the scorpion, “so what benefit is it if I sting you? I can’t swim either! Please let me come with you too!”
After some thought the monkey agreed to take the insect along with him across the stream.
And as he swam he noticed the water to be a lot rougher and deeper the further he got across.
However the two were laughing, joking and discussing all the wonderful activities they would get up to on the other side.
But suddenly the monkey felt a large piercing sting in the middle of his back, like a knife had stabbed him in the back.
Disorientated, and feeling sick from the poison running through his veins, he became weaker as his swimming strokes begun to slow down right in the middle of the stream.
He slowly turned his head around as he was about to drown and asked, “why...why did you sting me…now were going to die….”
And with little choice in his response, the scorpion replied “because I am a scorpion.”
Now you can interpret that story however you like, but if you marry a scorpion expect to get stung.
Let’s look at some divorce statistics as in the UK alone;
The latest divorce figures, revealed the divorce rate for heterosexual couples in the UK dropped dramatically in 2019 with 90,871 divorces of heterosexual couples in England and Wales compared with 101,669 divorces in 2018.
According to the Office for National Statistics, there were 7.5 divorces of opposite sex couples per 1,000 married men and women in 2019, representing the lowest rates since 1971 and a 10.6 per cent decrease since 2018.
Experts said this could be down to the fact that fewer couples are choosing to get married.
On a personal level I have been to three weddings in the last three years.
All different backgrounds, age groups, and people.
All are in the process of getting divorced.
Fundamentally getting married to somebody is such an enormous step in a relationship that people get mesmerized by the glitz wedding, and are not really focused on the decision they are making.
Let’s say you are in an unhappy relationship or are confused about your future with your partner in the early stages.
Here is how it normally goes:
Let’s begin with you are just dating, people often say to themselves “it will get better when we move in together.”
Then after you move in, “it will get better when we are engaged.”
“It will be better when we buy our own place.”
“It will be better when we are married.”
“It will be better when we have kids.”
Now although this is a specific example let me make things clear:
If there are problems in the early stages, the more you take on the more stress you will take on too.
Mortgages, bills, childcare, work, stress, meddling in laws, are just some of the added problems you will encounter.
But let’s use the alternative example like you are happy from day one, and I hope you are.
Unfortunately Disney movies and the media have given us the wrong impression of what to actually expect from a marriage.
I will give you some advice of what to do and how to think before you tie the knot, or even think about doing so:
1. Your partner is not the solution to all your problems
Getting married will not fix your addictions, insecurities or complete you as a person. Only YOU can do so, and thinking the other person will do so is a major co-dependency issue you must fix ASAP!
2. What are your expectations?
Are you expecting to be treated like Royalty? Do you think your partner is going to be your new mother/father? Be realistic, you can’t act single and go out on the town anymore, you have responsibilities if you decide to get hitched!
3. You won’t be “in Love” all the time
There will be difficult moments and days, where you are both moody and sick of each other. This is inevitable. It will not be one long romantic song and dance throughout the whole marriage. Sorry Disney fans.
4. Your Partner’s Family
When you marry somebody you marry INTO their family. Now you can of course create healthy boundaries and insist on space, but if these people are toxic or vice versa your spouse needs to know and it could very much be a deal breaker for your future relationship.
5. Your partner’s finances.
Is your partner bad with money? Are they an over-spender? A gambler? You are going to need to work as a team, and if they are not responsible financially, or if you aren’t either, you are going to be in for one hell of a bumpy ride!
6. Expect to argue and resolve it
Again, it’s not going to be one long beautiful song and dance. You will annoy each other and fight, but you must understand the bigger picture and realize that deep down you both love one another and want what is best for the marriage. Don’t be bitter, instead be quick to kiss and make up after giving each other space.
You must discuss what a breach of trust is, and vow to stick to it. Lying, hiding things, secrets, cheating, whatever they are, discuss them, write them down and also talk about what the consequences are for breaking the other persons trust.
8. Don’t quit so easily
People have very superficial relationships where it’s all lovely, and everything is great. But soon as there is a problem they are out in a flash. Do not do this in your marriage. Please! Do not quit, work hard to sort your issues out.
9. Express love and date
Date your spouse once or twice a month. Go to the cinema, buy flowers, out to dinner, whatever it takes! Romance should never die, and even a little gift or a card can go a very long way!